The Man Who Couldn't Compete
by Alun
Summary: Solona Amell couldn't ignore the plea from the inquisition. However upon arriving at Skyhold, she's faced with a man from her past she never quite got over. With her heart captured by another, can she resist her attraction or will she end up breaking the Commander's heart? Cullen/Amell/Alistair.
1. Chapter 1

"_If you don't mind me asking, the hero of Ferelden was a circle mage. Did you know her?" the inquisitor asked._

"_I attended her harrowing. She was a lovely woman," the commander responded._

_He raised an eyebrow. "Lovely?"_

"_There was some… youthful infatuation on my part. I found her… compelling." His voice was soft as he remembered her._

"_You never acted on it?"_

"_She was one of my charges. Even if she felt the same it would have been… inappropriate. I saw her once after she became a warden. She freed the tower during the blight. I would be dead or mad if not for her. I was in a sorry state when she found me. The things I said were unkind… untoward. I regret them now. I wish she knew that."_

# # # # #

Solona Amell gazed around the bustling fortress, amazed at how purposeful everyone was around her. Here she was searching for a lone man among a hundred. But surely the Inquisitor would stand out. Someone pointed her to the stables and she went to relinquish her horse. Once unsaddled, Solona brushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She looked around nervously. No one knew who she was. The anonymity was refreshing. Soon she would have to end it.

She walked towards what was being called the throne room. No one cast her a second look. She stood out from the nobles milling about the hall. Her riding boots were covered in mud and melted snow caused her cloak to be damp. She kept her face hidden by the cowl. Not that it mattered. Soon she would present herself to Inquisitor Trevelyan and her ruse would be up. But while the nobles ignored her and the servants passed her by, she reveled in watching this inquisition function.

She saw him standing by the dais, leaning over and chatting with the attractive man sitting in the chair. The inquisitor she figured. But while she tried to study the man that was now in charge of saving the world, she kept glancing at his partner. Could it really be him? He wasn't dressed in Templar armor and there was a stiffness to his posture she wasn't used to, but she knew that standing there was Cullen.

She swallowed. It had been years since she last saw him. She closed her eyes and pictured him on his knees, fervently praying. Her heart had broken when she realized just what atrocities the abominations and Uldred had visited upon the Templar. Using her visage to torment him. Breaking him to the point where he hadn't believed that she was real. Breaking him to the point where he had lashed out, blaming all mages for the actions of a few. The hatred in his voice towards her. In the end she had saved him, saved the tower. But he hadn't thanked her for it, instead he had begged for her to cleanse the tower of the mages, something she would have never done.

She opened her eyes and stared at the man that had caused such heartbreak with his words. He looked, well if she was being honest, he looked good. Always easy on the eyes, he held himself with a confidence he had lacked before. Perhaps the years had been good to him. She could only hope. She hesitated before announcing herself to the herald. Would he remember her? Would he still gaze at her with such hatred and fear in his eyes? Or was she already forgotten, a distant memory of a past he likely wished to forget.

Someone nudged her from behind, shaking her from her thoughts. She had come here with a purpose. After the letter Leliana had sent her informing her of the great threat to the world, Solona had hastily hurried back to civilization. She had learned more about the inquisition through her travels. How they were stabilizing the world of rifts. How they had ended the mage/Templar war. Some of the tales were so fantastical she scarcely believed them. Then again many of the tales they told of her were just as unbelievable.

She tore her gaze from Cullen and studied the man upon the throne. Short cropped red hair framed a handsome face. There was an edge to his features, something that spoke of the man's many secrets behind blue-gray eyes. He held himself with an air of nobility and whether that was because of his position or his birth, she didn't know. And yet he paled in comparison to the golden haired man to his left. She couldn't stop looking at him. She felt that familiar tightening in her gut as she remembered just the way he had affected her. Before the fall of the tower. Before she had become a Grey Warden. When she'd just been Apprentice Amell, lounging about the circle tower, dreaming of her escape. When he would smile at her and her stomach would flutter. A more innocent time. Before everything had gone to shit. That's why she stared, she told herself. _He represents a time I miss. It's nothing more. _

She motioned for the herald, finally ready to meet the famed inquisitor. When she gave her name, the herald's eyes grew wide and he stumbled to address the inquisitor, to announce her arrival.

# # # # #

"Warden Commander Solona Amell, Hero of Ferelden." The herald announced.

Every head in the hall turned to look at the woman standing before the throne. Even his head, especially his head. He had to have heard wrong. There was no way that she was there. Sure enough the woman lowered the cowl that covered her face and he was struck by the familiar face. She barely looked any older than the last time he had seen her. Ten years ago. It had been ten years since he'd seen her face, since he'd spoken to her. His gut tightened as he remembered his last words to her. Words that had replayed in his mind over and over since then. How he regretted those hateful words. But there was never an opportunity to take them back. And now opportunity was standing there ready to smack him in the face.

"Hero of Ferelden, it's a pleasure for you to grace our halls."

She bowed slightly, her hair falling prettily into her face. "Pleasure is mine, Inquisitor."

"We weren't expecting you. Had we known you were coming, we would have had the hall ready for you."

She chuckled and the sound warmed his stomach. "All the more reason for me not to announce my presence."

"Please join me in my war room so we can talk. Josephine, summon Leliana for me. Come Cullen."

Cullen found himself rooted in his spot. He looked at her, waiting for her to look back, but she didn't. Instead she turned to join the inquisitor out of the room.

"Are you alright, Commander?" Inquisitor Trevelyan asked him, concern in his voice. Cullen wondered if the inquisitor remembered their earlier conversation about the hero, the one where he had admitted to an ill-fated infatuation with her. He clenched his hands into fists and nodded. He followed close behind as they walked to the war room.

Once inside, he walked to his place at the table and waited with the others for Leliana. He tried not staring but it was nerve wracking how she ignored him. _She probably doesn't even remember you. She is too important to remember a lone Templar from before she became the Hero. Or maybe she doesn't recognize you. Or maybe she simply hates you for the things you had said and wishes to ignore your existence. _

Leliana burst through the doors and nearly barreled the other woman over with her embrace. The inquisitor raised an eyebrow at the out of character display by the spy master. Leliana finally relinquished her hold on the Hero. The inquisitor cleared his throat.

"Now that we are all here, we should get down to business. What are your intentions?" Cullen thought he detected a bit of awe in the inquisitor's voice as he spoke to the Hero.

"I'm pledging myself in service to the inquisition. What little I have, is yours."

"That's generous. Can I ask why?"

"I've been out there. I've seen the devastation. I believe the inquisition is our last hope against this force that I admit I know little about. I'm not sure of what use I can be, but I couldn't hide away. My conscience couldn't bear it."

Memories flooded Cullen's mind. She hadn't changed much. Nervousness played on his nerves causing him to shift uncomfortably. Why was he acting this way? He wasn't the same man he'd been before. Now he commanded the inquisition's army. Now he was in a position of power. How could she render him feeling so powerless then? As if reading his thoughts, she finally looked at him. He nodded his head slightly, acknowledging her. Her lip curved up in a half smile and relief flooded him. She remembered him.

Life at Skyhold just got complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

Solona followed as the inquisitor led her to her new room. She had told him that he needn't show her himself but he had insisted.

"Gives me an opportunity to get to know you better," he said with a smile. "All I know are stories and the little I could get out of Leliana and Cullen."

"You've asked them about me?"

"Of course. I may have been raised in the Free Marches but I still heard all the stories of the great Hero of Ferelden. They intrigued me. I want to get to know the woman behind the stories."

"I admit I'm curious as to what they said about me." To be honest she was mostly curious as to what Cullen had said.

"All good things, don't worry. If you don't mind me asking, what were you doing when Leliana's letter reached you?"

How much should she say? She could probably trust the inquisitor so she told the truth. "I was looking for a cure for the Calling, something that affects all Grey Wardens."

"Sounds like a noble quest. I'm still not sure why you are here exactly. Not that I'm not thrilled that you are here…"

"Corypheus must be defeated. My quest means little if he wins." What she didn't tell him was that she had already started to hear the Calling, which terrified her. Time was running out. A part of her had balked at giving up when she seemed so close. But she remembered the devastation of the blight, remembered all the people that died that she failed to save. If her help saved even a few, that was worth the sacrifice. But how could she explain this to the inquisitor?

"These are your quarters then," Inquisitor Trevelyan motioned towards a set of heavy doors.

"Thank you, inquisitor."

"Please call me Maxwell. I'd love to continue our chat but I have business I need to attend to."

"Of course."

"Perhaps we could continue our conversation over drinks at the tavern?"

"That would be lovely, thank you inquis… Maxwell."

"I am really happy you are here." Then he left, leaving Solona alone with her thoughts.

Solona unpacked her few belongings in the too large room the inquisitor had given her. She had a feeling some noble was feeling disposed. But she hadn't wanted to argue. It was clear he had some preconceived notions about her already. But then again, so had she. She was intrigued by the inquisitor. Everyone worshiped him, quite literally as the Herald of Andraste. She wasn't sure if he was really sent by the Maker or not, or even if it mattered.

She remembered the slight nod that Cullen had given her. He had been staring at her for some time before she finally looked at him. She had been unable to even guess what he'd been thinking. The nod was unlike him. It had been acknowledgment without the warmth she had grown use to in the circle.

_It's been ten years,_ she told herself. _Why would you expect him to remain unchanged when you are hardly the same woman you were before? _

She didn't want things to be so tense between them. Clearly they were going to be seeing more of each other and it behooved her to put the past away and start anew. She just had to make him see that. She finished putting her small amount of things away and sat upon the bed, sinking into the mattress.

She found herself biting at her nails, a habit she thought she had broken. Apparently not. Needing to do something, she stood and made her way out the door, telling herself she needed to see more of Skyhold rather than be stuck inside.

It felt good to stretch her legs after the long ride to get here. She wandered a bit aimlessly until she finally felt the courage to face Cullen head on. She asked where he might be and was pointed in the direction of his office. She stood outside his shut door for several moments, rehearsing what she was going to say to him after all this time.

# # # # #

Cullen fingered the missive in his hands, reading over the words. Being out of her presence helped him regain his mind. He had acted a fool and he hoped his peers hadn't noticed. Or if they had, they would be quiet about it. A knock on the door startled him. "Come in."

In walked Solona Amell. He dropped the missive and cleared his throat. She wasn't what he had been expecting.

"Enchanter Amell, what can I do for you?"

She blinked at him, taken back by what he said.

"I'm sorry, should I call you something different? Oh wait, its Warden Commander now, isn't it. My apologies." Was he babbling? He cleared his throat again and commanded that he act in the way a man of his station should act.

"You don't have to apologize, Commander. Call me what you wish." Commander. Yes, he needed to act like it.

"What can I do for you," he asked again, trailing his gaze down at the papers on his desk. Yes, seem too busy to talk. Don't let her see how she affects you still. Why wasn't she talking?

"Umm, how have you been?"

"Well." He didn't trust himself to say more. "You?"

"I'm fine," she offered but she sure didn't sound fine. What did she want? "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For bothering you. I thought…" she trailed off.

"What did you think?"

"That there was still something to be said between us. I don't want…" she trailed off again. He wasn't used to her being so unsure of herself.

"What do you want?" He said with far more confidence then he felt. Why did she make him so flustered? She didn't say anything, just stood there looking at him as if she expected him to talk. It was now or never.

"The last time we spoke—" he started to say.

"It was a long time ago. It's forgotten."

"I haven't forgotten."

She gave him a look he couldn't decipher. "Is this going to be a problem?"

"No of course not."

"I'm still a mage. I know how you feel about that."

_Maker's breath she thinks I hate her._

"I was in a bad place the last time you saw me. The things I said, it was unkind." He paused, searching her face for some sign that she understood. "I deeply regret my words. I'm not that man any longer."

She nodded, her face relaxing. "And what of the man you were before. Any of that left?"

_Why is she asking me this?_

"I don't know. Why?"

She smiled sadly. "Because I miss that man." She turned and left before he could respond.

He reached behind his head to rub his neck. He wasn't sure if anything had really been solved between them but he did feel better. At least now she knew that he regretted his words at the tower. There was more he had wanted to say to her, but figured there would be time in the future. It wasn't like she was going anywhere.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews. I appreciate them.

Solona entered the tavern, her eyes searching for the inquisitor. The bard's beautiful voice filled the air around her, soothing her, allowing her to relax. A beardless dwarf beckoned her over. She went to sit next to him, recognizing him as Varric Tethras, the infamous writer and good friend to her cousin Hawke.

"What can I do for you master Tethras?"

"So my reputation precedes me. What is the Hero of Ferelden doing here at Skyhold?"

"Seems my reputation precedes me. I'm here to fight for the cause."

"Of course you are. A hero like you just couldn't keep away."

"Are you making fun of me, ser?"

"I'm no ser. Hawke was supposed to meet me for a drink. Have you seen her?"

"No." After the blight, Solona had looked up her family to see if any still lived. Her mother and father were dead but she had discovered she had an Aunt and cousins. She wrote to them and they had remained in touch over the years. As if by fate, it turned out that her good friend Anders had made his way to Kirkwall and into the life of Hawke. "I didn't know she was here."

"Keeping a low profile. Unlike you." He grinned.

"What can I say? I like to make an entrance."

"Let's get you a drink."

She gladly accepted his offer.

"What have you been up to, Hero?"

"You can call me Solona." She sipped her ale.

"I like Hero. I think it fits."

She laughed. What little she knew of the dwarf was through Hawke, but she was already warming up to him. He had one of those personalities.

"I think your story would be far more interesting than mine. What has the inquisition been up to?" She asked him.

"Just closing rifts, ending wars, saving the world. So you and the commander…" he started.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Why would you think there was something between us?"

He chuckled. "Rumors."

It figured there would be rumors already. Solona laughed. "Of course. The commander and I knew each other back at the circle. It's been many years now."

"Any sordid tales of the commander?"

"He was a model of templar virtue."

"Boring even back then?"

"I never said boring."

"Oh so there is a story there."

"Not my story to tell."

Before Varric could get any more information out of her, the inquisitor entered the tavern.

"Hey, boss," a tall quanari regarded the man, raising his cup of ale. The inquisitor gave him a nod and looked around. He caught her eye and made his way over to them.

"Telling tales again Varric?"

"Just trying to milk some info from the lovely Hero."

"And how's that going for you?"

"She keeps her lips sealed."

The inquisitor chuckled. "Plying her with alcohol to loosen the tongue?"

"You know I'm sitting right here." She interjected with a smile.

"Of course my lady. How rude of me. May I sit?"

"Of course. It's your tavern after all."

"I must say, having you here is a surprise. Your friends are happy to see you."

"Friends?"

"Leliana and Cullen."

"I wouldn't say the commander was all that happy to see me actually."

"Nonsense. You rendered him speechless. I've never seen the man so flustered. And Leliana, I've never seen her hug anyone. You bring out all the fun in my advisors."

"I didn't mean to make a fuss."

"It's good, really. Even if you weren't a powerful mage, the morale boost of your arrival, not just to my people but to everyone here is very welcome. I'm honored that you are here."

"I'm afraid I won't live up to that. There isn't much I can offer. Just my magic. If that pleases you."

"Just your magic? Maker woman don't you know who you are to people?"

A disappointment. "Your words are kind, inquisitor."

# # # # #

Cullen walked the battlements as he often did, lost in thought. This morning's war room meeting troubled him. The inquisitor had barely listened to his advice, preferring the more subtle maneuverings of Leliana. It bothered him that instead of taking the direct route, they were going to waste time scouting. It was lost in those thoughts that he nearly collided with a mage. And not just any mage. Solona Amell. She had her nose buried in a book.

"It's dangerous to do that," he remarked, startling her.

She glanced up, her mouth turning up in a smile upon seeing that it was him.

"What are you reading?" he asked.

"Hard in Hightown. The dwarf has a way with words."

"I heard he wants to write about you."

She laughed and his insides tightened. He remembered that laugh. It hadn't changed.

"That explains the many questions."

"I admit I'm curious as well. There are plenty of tales of the great Hero of Ferelden defeating the fifth blight, but not your point of view on it all."

"Leliana would tell the tales better. I'm afraid I would just disappoint."

"I doubt that."

She paused, studying him. He felt odd under her gaze, like he should say something witty. Instead he simply brought his arm up and rubbed at his neck nervously. How did she have this effect on him?

"I'll think about it. But I expect compensation," she said.

"Oh, what kind?"

She blushed prettily and he couldn't even begin to guess what had been on her mind. She quickly recovered.

"A story for a story."

"I'm afraid I'd bore you." He replied.

"I doubt that," she repeated his earlier words. "In fact I'm eager to hear how you've been since…" her voice trailed off. Neither of them wanted to relive the horrors of the tower. "I'm sorry. I'm just nosy."

He laughed. "It would be nice to catch up."

"You mean that?"

"We were friends once. Or something. I mean, I thought we were."

"We were. We are. Things don't have to change."

But that was it wasn't it. Things always changed.

"We could get a drink at the tavern sometime?" He offered, hoping that she'd take him up on that.

"You drink there often? I haven't seen you there."

"I'm usually too busy to be honest. In fact I should be inside going through paperwork as we speak."

"If I'm keeping you from something important…" she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and swallowed.

"No… I mean… yes… ugh… I was taking a break."

"You're tense. Is everything alright?"

A part of him wanted to unburden himself, tell her all about the frustrating war council and the sheer amount of paperwork that waited for him daily. It seemed all he did was paperwork. But he didn't want her to see him complaining. "I'm fine. Really. Just tired."

"Maybe you should take more breaks."

"I can't. So many people depend on us. On me."

She reached out and rubbed his shoulder affectionately. He was startled by it and it must have shown on his face because she pulled back quickly. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry."

"No you just surprised me. People don't normally touch me."

"I was just trying to get you to relax."

_Touching me isn't going to relax me, _he thought. _In fact it would probably just make me tense elsewhere. _

"I'm okay, really. A good night's rest and I'll be back to normal."

"Why do I have the feeling that being tense and tired is your normal?"

Why do you have to be so observant? He wanted to ask, but he held his tongue.

"What about you? What have you been up to since arriving?"

"Nothing. It's frustrating. The inquisitor simply has nothing for me to do at the moment. I've been spending most my time with Hawke and Varric actually. Hawke is worried about the grey wardens and so am I. I want to be out there doing something."

"You can do some of my paperwork if you're that bored," he said with a smile.

She laughed and his smile widened. He was glad he could make her laugh still. "Tempting, but I think I'd rather have a drink at the tavern. If you're still up for it later?"

"Trying to get me drunk then?"

"Only if it'll loosen your tongue."

He felt his face flush. "Well… ummm… that sounds nice."

She laughed, covering her mouth with her hand. "Maybe there is still some of the old you locked away behind the new one. Not that I'm not interested in getting to know the new you too."

"Really?" He wasn't use to people wanting to get to know him.

"Of course. You intrigue me." He didn't know what to say to that so he kept his mouth shut lest he spill something that he wanted to keep private. Truth was the fact that she thought of him at all made his heart race.

"I've taken enough of your time," she said. "Have a good day Commander." And with that she walked away. He watched the swinging of her hips as she disappeared through a door and out of sight. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.


	4. Chapter 4

Solona nursed her second ale, careful not to let the drink affect her too much. While everyone had been accommodating and kind, these weren't her people. As she glanced around the table, she couldn't help but feel like she wanted to belong. She wanted them to be her people. And what an eclectic group they were.

There was the dwarf Varric, who hadn't given up on buttery her up for the goods. There was the quanari mercenary, The Iron Bull, who reminded her a bit of Oghren, though the dwarf would have been pissed at the comparison. Dorian, who hid his secrets behind flirts that sometimes brought a blush even to her cheeks. But she could tell his heart wasn't in them and she suspected she wasn't really his type. There was Sera, who was incomprehensible when sober and much worse when as she was now quite drunk. The inquisitor himself was a mystery to her. On one hand he acted the fearless leader but with his companions he exhibited a vulnerability that she respected and was a bit jealous of. How long had it been where she felt she could be vulnerable?

Leliana had joined them and Solona noticed the difference in her former companion. She smiled less and when she did, it didn't reach her eyes. Hawke sat with them as well. Deep in a tale of some mischief or other. And then of course there was Cullen. He was avoiding looking at her but if Varric was to be believed the commander seldom attended their little drinking parties. Varric had winked at her and even the inquisitor had smirked when Cullen had appeared, sitting down across from her.

"And if it wasn't for our gallant Commander, I'd have spent some time in the Gallow's dungeons." Hawke finished her story. Hawke was looking at Cullen with respect and a bit of adoration in her gaze. Cullen met her gaze with a small smile on his lips. Solona felt her insides tighten. _Wasn't she still with Anders?_ She thought bitterly. Was this jealousy? Of her own cousin? It wasn't like she owned him. And he was an attractive man, she couldn't blame her cousin for noticing that. Ugh.

"I've got a story," Cullen surprised them by speaking up.

"This should be good," Varric chimed in.

"Years ago, when I was a templar serving in the Ferelden circle, there was this one apprentice. Quiet, reserved and respectful. Always had her nose in a book." His voice was full of affection and there was a glazed look in his eyes as he remembered. "My friends convinced me to give her a gift, a book. But I was much too shy to give it to her, so I stashed it with her belongings."

"That's adorable," Hawke said, her cheeks flushed.

"You won't think so when you find out what kind of book it was."

"That was you?!" Solona exclaimed.

The group looked at her, stunned. Cullen blushed slightly and the group began to laugh.

"Jowan wouldn't let me live that down. And Anders…" Solona shot a quick look at Hawke, not wanting to bring up such a painful topic. "Let's just say some people got the wrong idea about me. I can't believe you of all people would do that."

"I swear I didn't know what kind of book it was until it was too late."

"Oh do tell, what book was it?" Varric asked, amused.

"I can't remember the title, something innocent I think. But inside was pure graphic smut. Something about forbidden desires. There was even illustrations."

Cullen reddened as the group laughed.

"Didn't know what it was, huh?" Hawke nudged him in the shoulder.

"I didn't read it. I thought it was Ferelden poetry. They deceived me."

"You know I kept it."

Cullen shook his head, finally looking at her with a small smile on his lips. She liked seeing him smile.

"My whole view of you has changed Curly."

# # # # #

"Solona, I'm sending you and a few of my companions to the Western Approach. There have been sightings of darkspawn and I need you to ferret them out and take care of them."

"What about Adamant, Inquisitor?" Solona looked surprised. Cullen had been paying more attention to her facial expressions than he had been to the inquisitor. She was so damn distracting.

"I can't take you to Adamant. Not while Corypheus can control the mages. I can't take the risk of him controlling you. I'm sorry."

Solona bit her lip and nodded. She kept her eyes on her shoes for the rest of the meeting. If anyone else noticed her mood, they kept quiet. Once the meeting was over, Cullen tried to follow after her but the inquisitor stopped him.

"I'm making the right decision."

"About what?"

"About Solona. She seemed more upset by my decision than I thought she'd be."

"They are her people. She must be worried about them."

The inquisitor nodded. "Could you maybe talk to her? Make sure she is alright? I'd do it myself but I wouldn't want to make things worse."

"Wouldn't it be more prudent to have Leliana talk to her? They are much closer."

"Well if you don't want to. It's not an order or anything."

Cullen shook his head. Wasn't he planning on talking to her anyways? "I'll do it. I just have to find her."

"She often walks the battlements."

Cullen raised an eyebrow. The inquisitor was aware of her habits? Had he been watching her too? Was there something between them? Cullen felt his throat tighten at the thought of the inquisitor and Solona together. It made sense. They both had leadership thrust upon them. They both were regarded as heroes and they both strove to make the world a better place. Solona was a beautiful woman, it made sense that someone else would notice that. Then why did he feel like he had swallowed a lump of something foul?

"If there is nothing else," he responded, hoping that the inquisitor didn't notice the change in his voice. He was not jealous. There was nothing for him to be jealous about.

"No. That's all Commander." And with that, he was dismissed.

He followed the inquisitor's advice and looked for Solona on the battlements. He found her leaning against the wall, looking out at the snow covered mountains that surrounded Skyhold.

"There you are," he called out to her. She turned a small smile on her lips.

"Cullen." Her smile disappeared. "I mean, Commander." Her eyes got a faraway look to them. His heart twisted. She looked so sad.

"Walk with me?" he asked.

She nodded and kept pace with his long legs. He tried to slow down, but nervousness flurried in his gut and he found himself making large strides. They walked in comfortable silence, Cullen unsure how to break it.

"I understand, I do," Solona started. "But I hate feeling useless."

"You aren't useless. The darkspawn in the Western Approach need to be dealt with."

She stopped abruptly, looking up at him. He backed up so that they were much closer. Almost too close. He backed away a bit. She cocked her head to the side and a small smile played on her lips. Once he settled on a spot, she spoke again.

"I am one of them. I could have been one of them."

"You would have helped them with blood magic?"

She looked taken aback by the accusation in his voice. "No, not that. Definitely not that."

She sighed heavily. "I've always been the outsider. In the circle, sure I had friends, but I didn't fit. Everything I did, all the studying, all of it was for a chance to travel outside the circle, to escape." She got that far off look in her eyes again and he stayed silent, waiting for her to continue. "And then my wish came true and I was a grey warden. Which is its own curse. But there was just the two of us. After the blight when we tried to rebuild, well I was still the outsider, the warden commander, the leader. I know the way people look at me and what they see. The damned hero of Ferelden. It doesn't matter that I didn't do it on my own. It doesn't matter that I've spent the last ten years searching for my place in the world and coming up empty."

She shivered from the cold. She sounded so lonely. He understood loneliness. She looked up at him, her face softening just a little. "At least when you look at me you see the girl in the tower. It might not be who I am now, but it's better than seeing me as a hero."

He felt a blush start to burn his cheeks. So she had noticed him looking at her. And she didn't mind it. He took a step forward. "I want to see you for who you are, but you have to let me."

Her face became unreadable as she slightly frowned. "I wouldn't want to disappoint you."

"Disappoint me? Why are you worried about that?"

"Because I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not innocent. I've done things, made decisions that give me nightmares. I'm selfish. I'd rather you think well of me."

He wanted to reach out, reassure her but he doubted his touch would be welcomed. "I have my own demons, Solona. I won't judge you for yours."

"You called me by my name."

"You sound surprised."

"I don't think you've ever called me Solona. It's always apprentice Amell or enchanter Amell."

"I'm also not a bumbling twenty year old with a crush anymore." He said with a smile.

"No, I suppose not." She sounded sad, regretful even.

She turned her back on him, wrapping arms around herself as she continued to shiver. Her robes were too thin to keep out the cold wind. On instinct he wrapped his arms around her from behind, trying to give her his warmth, and pulling her in close against his chest. She let out a small squeak of surprise but then melted into him. She smelled good, like lavender.

"You're cold," he said, feeling a little dumb at his words.

"You're warm. Even with all the armor."

He was reluctant to let her go. "We should get you to bed before you freeze."

"Now that's forward."

"I didn't… I only meant… Maker's breath."

She chuckled. "I'm teasing. I know what you meant." She turned to face him. "Thank you for listening to me rant."

"Anytime."

"Next time could we maybe do this near a fire?"

Next time? He couldn't wait.


	5. Chapter 5

Solona waited for the inquisition to return from Adamant. Clearing the Western Approach hadn't taken as long as defeating the demon army had. The mission had gone surprisingly well. The man behind the darkspawn resurgence was safely tucked away in Skyhold's dungeons waiting for the inquisitor's justice.

News of their success at Adamant had already arrived by raven. Now they just waited for the army to return. She stood on the battlements looking out. She would see them coming for miles, though she doubted they would appear any time soon.

It was peaceful up here alone. The occasional soldier would pass by on patrol but since most of them were with the army, it was rare. She was startled to see Leliana standing next to her. She hadn't heard the woman's approach. No wonder she was their spy master.

"Waiting for the Commander?"

Damn the woman and her nosiness. "Waiting for the inquisitor."

"Ah." Leliana was studying her. "I should warn you. We are all fond of Cullen."

She looked over at her friend. "Why are you telling me this?"

"There are rumors." Leliana stated as if she was discussing the weather. She loved her friend dearly but she really needed to mind her own business.

"They are just rumors." She tried to be evasive.

"The two of you were seen on the battlements."

She smiled at the memory. "I was cold."

"I see how he looks at you." Her heart beat a little faster. So she hadn't been imagining it?

"That doesn't mean anything." Why wouldn't Leliana just drop it?

"I see how you look at him."

"It's nostalgia, that's all."

"Right and I'm just a lay sister."

She turned and faced her friend. "Why are you bringing this up?"

"He is smitten with you and you are—"

"Broken?" She cut in.

"Complicated."

"Are you telling me to stay away?"

"Should I be? What about Alistair?" Thinking about Alistair hurt. It also confused the issue of Cullen.

"You mean the king?" she said bitterly.

"I know the two of you are still…" Leliana paused, searching for the right word. "Close."

"Alistair has never begrudged me other lovers." It was true. They simply never spoke of what happened outside of their relationship. It was easier. Otherwise she would obsess about his duties as King with his wife. It was selfish of them both but then again their entire relationship was selfish. Thinking about it caused her to scowl.

"So you plan to take Cullen to your bed?"

She sighed. "I never said that."

"But you want to."

She didn't argue. Truth was she didn't know what she wanted from him. He was just nice to be around. And pleasant to look at. And think about. He wasn't the same man he'd been ten years ago, all awkward and adorable. But the man he had become… he had blossomed into something far more attractive. "What do you want from me, Leliana?"

The other woman sighed. "I want to see you smile again my friend." She reached out and touched Solona's hair, running her fingers through it like she used to when they traveled together. The touch soothed her.

"I smile all the time."

"It's not the same."

"I'm not the same."

They stood there in silence for several moments, both lost in thought.

"You are going to break his heart."

"I know."

# # # # #

The first thing Cullen wanted when he got back to Skyhold was a bath. The second thing he wanted was to see Solona. He had been glad she hadn't been at Adamant. Adamant had been a nightmare. But he had also worried about her. Knowing she was back safe at Skyhold had lifted a burden from his shoulders that he was surprised he carried. Once he felt satisfyingly clean, he went to look for her.

He found her in the gardens reading a book. "Some things don't change," he said with a smile.

She looked up from her book, startled. "Cullen, you're back." She didn't sound all that happy to see him. That depressed him slightly. He realized he'd slipped into old patterns around her. He was back to being that awkward twenty year old, eager to see her everyday but nearly unable to even speak to her. He didn't want to be like that with her anymore.

"Do you still play?" he gestured to the chess board on the table next to her.

"No."

"Oh." He was disappointed.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I just mean it's hard to play without someone to play with."

"Would you… I mean if you're not busy…" he reached his arm up to rub his neck.

"I'd love to." She closed her book and stood up. He pulled the chair out for her and she settled down into it with a smile.

After setting up the pieces, she made her first move. He watched her as she studied the board, a piece of her hair falling into her eyes. He fought the urge to reach across the board and tuck it behind her ear.

"How was Adamant?"

"Rough," he responded.

"I was worried about you."

His heart picked up pace. "Really?"

"Yeah. A demon army, you didn't know what you'd face."

She actually cared enough to worry. He smiled to himself and made his own move.

"How went the darkspawn?"

"Didn't you read my report?"

"It was rather succinct."

"Not much to tell really."

"I don't think either of us really want to talk about our battles."

She looked up and smiled at him. He really loved seeing her smile. "What would you like to talk about?" she asked.

What hurt you, he wanted to ask. Who hurt you? But that was far too invasive to ask so he stuck with a topic that had been on his mind as of late.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn't become a grey warden?"

"If I'd stayed at the circle?"

"Yes."

"Sometimes. I wonder if I'd been there when Uldred had turned if I could have saved more people."

Of course she'd concern herself with the safety of others. She might deny it, but she really did have the mindset of a hero. He wanted to tell her that. He wanted to tell her a lot of things but he didn't. Something held him back.

"What if Uldred hadn't turned? What if things had just stayed the same?"

He regretted asking as soon as it was out of his mouth. Sure ask the woman how she'd feel locked up in a tower for the last ten years.

She looked at him thoughtfully. "I'd wonder if you'd ever get over your shyness with me." There was something in her voice, something unsaid that made his mouth become dry.

"That would have been inappropriate." He swallowed.

"Then maybe I should be glad we aren't still stuck in the tower."

He looked down at the board and realized she had won. He should have paid better attention to the game.

"Looks like this one is yours."

"We'll have to play again sometime. I remember you being much more proficient at this."

He grunted. "Is that a challenge Amell?"

She grinned at him and he smirked back at her. At least they were getting more comfortable with each other. His nerves settled and he regained a bit more of his confidence.

"I have time for another game if you're up for it?"

She smiled shyly. "How can I say no to that? I know how valuable your time is Commander."

"Everyone needs a break once in a while."

"I'm glad to hear you say it. I've noticed you tend to run yourself a bit ragged."

She'd noticed that? What else had she noticed?

"So much depends on what I do, I have to be vigilant."

"Something that hasn't changed. I do remember you being quite vigilant at the tower. It made me feel safe."

"I made you feel safe?" He cleared his throat, suddenly very aware that there were other people milling about the gardens, probably listening in on their conversation.

"Yes. Does that surprise you?"

"I didn't think you liked templars all that much."

"You weren't just any templar."

His mouth went dry. Her admission caused his heart to pound rapidly and he was unsure what to say. "I'm not a templar any longer."

"But you're still the same man."

He shook his head. "Not entirely. I've changed."

"Well of course you have. It's been ten years. I've changed too. What I mean to say is that you still make people feel safe."

"People? Or you?"

She blushed slightly, a pretty pink dusted along her cheeks. "I'm trying to give you a compliment."

"Oh. Thank you." He rubbed at his neck and glanced down at the board. He made his move but quickly looked back up to see Solona staring at him.

"You do that a lot."

"Do what?"

"Rub your neck when you are nervous. Do I make you nervous?"

He decided honesty was the best in this situation. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you are Solona Amell, hero of Ferelden, vanquisher of archdemons, savior of the world. I'm nothing in comparison."

She frowned. "I'm really not. I'm just Solona. And I'd never say you were nothing."

"Well I fear I'll say the wrong thing, as I apparently just did."

"Oh sorry. I didn't mean to overreact. People just have such high expectations for me and I usually don't meet them. I shouldn't complain."

"You needn't mince your words around me. We're friends. Besides I like listening to you rant." He smiled at the memory of the battlements and their much too short semi-embrace.

She reached across the board and brushed her fingers against his gloved hand. It was such a light touch that had he not been looking down at them he wouldn't have noticed. "You can rant too you know. It doesn't have to be one sided."

"I don't think you want to listen to me drone on and on about all the reports I have to fill out."

"Humor me. What is it that goes through the mind of the inquisition's Commander?"

_Right now all I can think about is you,_ he thought. But he wouldn't, couldn't say that. That would make things awkward. So he started to talk about his family and how he didn't write to them often enough.

"Why's that? I'm sure they miss you dearly."

"Yes. I just, I don't ever know what to say. What I do say seems inadequate."

"Well we can work on that."

"You want to help me craft a letter to my family?"

"Sure, another good excuse to spend time with you."

"You don't need an excuse."

"I want to help."

"You always want to help you know. Everyone."

"Right now I just want to help you."

"You think I need help?"

"I think everyone needs help once in a while."

"And what do you need help with, Solona?"

She looked at him, her head tilted to the side, studying him for some unknown reason. "Finding someplace I belong," she finally said quietly. The sadness in her voice tugged on his heart.

_I could give you someplace to belong,_ he thought selfishly. _Just give me a chance._

They finished their game, a victory for him this time. He realized the time as the sun was starting to set. He had blown most of the afternoon. He looked at her sheepishly. "I may have just made a mistake."

"What's that?"

"The sun is nearly set and I have a lot more paperwork to get through."

"Anything I can help with since I was the source of your distraction?"

"No my lady. Thank you though. It's been an interesting afternoon."

"Have a good night, Cullen."

He reached out and grabbed her hand suddenly. She raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing. He gave it a quick squeeze before letting it go.

"Until next time, Solona." He quickly left without looking back, his cheeks hot. _She just wanted to be friends,_ he chided himself. Why must he try to make it more than it was?


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm sending you and the Grey Wardens to investigate some mutterings about darkspawn in Orlais. You'll leave as soon as possible." While his words were a command, there was something in the inquisitor's eyes that seemed to ask for permission. The man still held on to some of his hero worship of her though it had gotten better as they began to get to know each other. Soon, perhaps, the appeal would vanish altogether.

"I'm honored," she said with a smile that she didn't feel inside. Truth was she was still a bit upset over Hawke leaving for Weisshaupt instead of her. It was her duty to inform the Grey Wardens of what occurred in Orlais. But Hawke had insisted that as senior Grey Warden it was her duty to rebuild the wardens. Again. The inquisitor had agreed with Hawke and so she had stayed. Hawke had left not even two days ago. She felt that the inquisitor was sending them just to give her something to do. "If that's all, I will take my leave."

"Yes. Thank you Warden Commander."

Solona went to her rooms to begin packing for the long journey ahead. Not too long after she had gotten to her room, someone knocked on her door. "Come in."

Cullen opened the door and stood in the doorway, watching her and waiting for her to invite him in fully. "Well don't just stand there."

He smiled sheepishly and slowly closed the door behind him. "I wanted to say good bye." He walked over to where she was folding a second cloak into the pack. "Can I help with anything?"

"That's sweet of you," she replied. "But I've got it."

"Are you alright?"

She nodded at him and tried to smile but she felt strange. She wondered if she should confide in him or not. There was had been a time where she wouldn't have questioned confiding in him. But too much had happened between them for her to be sure it was a good idea. Still, he was there and seemed to care for her.

"This is what I wanted, to be useful, but it feels empty. I'm not good at commanding, I hate it actually. But it is what is expected of me."

"Solona…" his voice was hoarse.

"Yes?"

"Be careful."

She smiled. "Of course."

They were standing dangerously close to one another. Just a few more steps and she'd be in his arms. It's what she wanted but she held back. Her advances were probably not going to be appreciated. Better for them both if she stayed away. She found his amber eyes watching her, something still unspoken between them.

He looked at her with such intensity that she was taken aback. Then she brushed his cheek with her fingers. He closed his eyes at her touch. "Thank you for being such a good friend to me," she whispered.

There was another knock on the door, startling them both out of the moment. Leliana poked her head through the door. "Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

Solona took a step back, widening the space between her and the commander. "You aren't."

"I'll just come back when you are alone." She left before Solona could stop her.

Cullen looked down at his feet. "I don't think she approves of me spending time with you."

"Trust me, it's not you she disapproves of."

He raised his eyebrow but didn't ask the question that seemed to be on his mind.

Solona decided to change the subject. "You know there are rumors about us."

"What kind of rumors?"

"The kind that are furthered by you being alone with me in my bed chamber."

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I should leave then."

"Do you really care what other people think?"

"It's inappropriate."

She let out a short sigh. "You really haven't changed."

He looked like she had just slapped him. She immediately regretted her words. How stupid of her to be so insensitive.

"I don't know what you want from me," he replied softly.

She moved closer to him, close enough that she could smell him. She wanted to be even closer. "What do you want?"

He reached out and touched her waist. "I want…" he trailed off. She stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. "You not to be leaving, for us not to be at war, for things to not be so complicated."

She pulled away from him. Of course he didn't want complicated and of course that was she could offer him. "Maybe we just have bad timing."

He licked his lips nervously. "When this is all over, perhaps if you wanted, we could, I don't know."

She reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek, just a

whisper of a caress really. "I'll miss you."

# # # # #

Cullen stared at the paper, barely comprehending the words. The war room around him was silent except for the occasional sniffle coming from Leliana. He looked up to find the rest of them staring at him, waiting for his reaction. How was he supposed to react? Leliana sobbed, her fist in her mouth as she tried and failed to stop the tears brimming in her eyes. It was real. The Grey Wardens wiped out. Solona dead. And he had sent the order.

"I'm sorry," the inquisitor struggled with his words. He looked from Cullen to Leliana and then back again. He looked lost for the first time since being spit out of the rift.

"Excuse me." Cullen fled the room and no one tried to stop him.

"Commander," one of his men called out but he ignored him, marching right past. The man did not follow, sensing his commander's distress. No one wanted to cross Cullen when he looked like that. He didn't stop until he reached his tower.

"Get out," he commanded to the messenger and locked the door behind him. He needed to be alone.

It shouldn't have happened. If he had just… he didn't know. He had told the inquisitor what he had thought was the best course of action sending in the Grey Wardens. The inquisitor had listened to him, sending in Solona and her comrades. And they were overwhelmed. Butchered. Slaughtered. Dead. He should have held them back, listened to Leliana about scouting ahead first.

His hands shook as he raked them though his hair. He would never see her again. He would never see the way her eyes softened when she smiled or hear her laugh at one of his lame jokes or smell her hair as he held her close. He'd never kiss her. Why hadn't he kissed her? Why had he been so afraid? Now she was gone. Their time had run out and he had wasted it because of fear and duty. He had sent her to her death. She had died not knowing how he truly felt about her.

He couldn't cry. Couldn't grieve. It wasn't his right. He was the reason she was dead and he hated himself for it.


	7. Chapter 7

Solona limped through the gates of Skyhold and no one noticed. Her mount was gone and her clothes were in tatters. A few people stared at her as she made her way through the courtyard towards the throne room. She needed a bath. She needed a healer. But first she had to face the inquisitor and tell him how she had failed. She walked through the nobles gathered in the hall who gave her a wide berth. Probably afraid she'd dirty them or something. She recognized Varric standing by the fireplace.

"Well shit Hero. You've looked worse," he said grimly. "Was sure I'd never see you again."

"Can't get rid of me that easy."

He choked out a laugh. "They are in the war room. I'm assuming you're going to look for him."

"Yes. The inquisitor needs to know what happened."

"Oh him too. Well I'll save you a drink at the tavern later. I'd love to hear your story too."

She nodded noncommittally. Getting through this once was going to be hard enough. No one stopped her as she made her way towards the war room. She paused right outside the doors. She should wait for them to come out. To finish whatever it was they were doing. But the truth was she was stalling. She didn't want to face them. Couldn't bear the look in their eyes. Couldn't see their pity at her failure. But she had to face facts and the sooner she got this over with, the sooner she could begin to grieve.

When she opened the door, they were stunned. Before she could even take a breath, Leliana ran from behind the table and embraced her. "You're alive," she breathed in her ear, squeezing her until she was out of breath. Her eyes met Cullen's over Leliana's shoulder and the relief on his face was palpable. His eyes were questioning.

"Why do you all look so surprised? Didn't you receive my raven?"

The inquisitor shook his head, a smile on his face. "No we didn't. We thought you all were dead."

Leliana let her go and she cleared her throat. "They are dead. I'm the only survivor."

The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife. "Please continue."

As she told the tale, their faces grew grim. "There were too many of them. I barely survived. I don't even know how. I was knocked unconscious and when I woke, there were just bodies." Her eyes were moist as unshed tears threatened to escape. "I failed you Inquisitor. I'm so sorry."

# # # # #

She lived. She was alive. Cullen wanted to go to her as Leliana had. Embrace her, kiss her, just hold her. But propriety held him back. There was something broken in her expression as she told them what had happened. She was different now though he couldn't put his finger on how. Whether it was her brush with her own mortality or losing all of her men, something within her hurt and he ached because he couldn't take away her pain.

The inquisitor had a thousand questions for her but he didn't hear any of them. His mind was too full. He wanted to smile, to celebrate that she was alive and yet this was a somber mood. Losing the Grey Wardens was a big blow to the inquisition and it would have been heartless to show his happiness in the moment. So he waited for the inquisitor to be done. He waited for them to be dismissed. He tried to talk to her as they were leaving but Leliana intercepted, pulling Solona away. Their eyes met and he offered her a small smile. He hoped he conveyed how much he wanted to speak to her in the look he gave but she only looked away.

Cullen returned to his tower, full of things to do, but not having the attention to dedicate to any of them. He needed to get a hold of himself. She was alive. She was well. And he would see her soon. Time to focus on what was important. Just as he got settled in behind his desk, there was a quick knock on his door.

He stood, walked over and opened it, standing to the side to let Solona in. He shut the door behind her. Before she could speak, he wrapped her face in his hands and lowered his lips to hers. He pressed his mouth against hers, feeling her warmth and marveling at the softness of her lips. He ran his tongue against her lower lip and she moaned. He reluctantly pulled away. "I'm sorry," he breathed.

There was a dreaminess in her eyes as she said, "Don't be." She reached up and cupped his face in her hand. "Much better hello than I got from Leliana."

He chuckled. He wanted to kiss her again. "I thought I'd lost you."

"You didn't."

There was so much more that he wanted to say but instead he leaned in and captured her mouth again. This time she returned the kiss with fervor. It took his breath away. He placed his hands on her waist, pulling her in closer. She ran her fingers through his hair, sending a shiver down his spine.

Then someone knocked on the door.

"Go away," he growled, still clutching her waist.

"Commander, the inquisitor is summoning the war council."

He let out a short sigh. "Duty calls," Solona said sadly.

He leaned his forehead against hers. "I'm sorry."

"Go ahead. I'll see you soon."


	8. Chapter 8

Solona perused Cullen's books as she waited for him to return. The longer it took, the more her apprehension grew. The memory of his lips on hers brought a smile to her face but the guilt returned. She wanted him, that much was true, but she knew she'd only hurt him in the end. She didn't want to hurt him, so the wise move would be to end this before it began. But her lips burned.

She scribbled a note and left it on his desk. Something casual. But as she went to leave, the door opened and Cullen returned. He looked exhausted.

"You're still here," he said, a smile spreading across his face.

"I was about to leave," she admitted. "But something is troubling you. What is it?"

"The inquisition has acquired an invitation to Empress Celene's ball at Halimshiral. We leave in a couple of days. You'll be expecting to attend as well."

The politics didn't faze her. She'd dealt with Ferelden's politics for a decade now. Orlais couldn't be that different. But something else bothered her. "He still trusts me after my failure?"

"It wasn't your failure," Cullen's voice is soft.

"Of course it was. I led my men to their deaths. No one else is responsible for that." She sighed and closed her eyes. "I don't want to argue."

She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was looking at her so intently that it caused a blush to spread across her cheeks. She loathed that look. It meant that he cared. He shouldn't care about her. "Maybe we should talk about that kiss," she ventured, studying his response.

It was his turn to blush and he grasped his neck with his hand. "I'm sorry about that."

"Are you? Do you regret it?" Maybe he saw what a mistake the two of them made.

"No, I don't." His amber eyes flashed with heat. She didn't doubt his words.

"I know you don't think it's appropriate to be seen with a mage."

"I never said that."

"I know templars don't have celibacy vows unless of course you did, which thinking back makes a lot of sense actually-"

He interrupted. "No I did not take those vows, maker's breath will you stop?"

She didn't know what to do. Should she push him away? Or let him come closer. She wanted to kiss him again, feel his mouth on hers. Feel his stubble rub against her chin. Feel his strong hands wrapped around her waist. To hell with it. "We aren't in the circle. You aren't a templar any longer. I'm not your charge. What is holding you back?"

He closed the distance between them. "You are. I didn't think… it was too much to ask… I care for you."

She smiled at him. "You know you are adorable when you are flustered." She went on her tip toes to kiss him lightly. Just a brush of their lips. She was definitely going to break his heart but she couldn't help it. She had wanted him for years and now he was here and she didn't have the willpower to push him away.

"I should go get ready. You probably have a lot of work to do."

He reached out and held on to her waist. He tightened his grip as he pulled her to him. Then his mouth was on hers again, sending a shiver up her spine. His tongue trailed along her lower lip, begging for entrance. She opened her mouth to him and he swooped in, kissing her with a ferocity that stunned her. Perhaps she wasn't the only one who had wanted this for so long. With a moan, she pressed her body against his, cursing his armor for getting in the way. She didn't know what to do with her hands so she grasped his arms. Too soon he pulled away.

"You're right, I do have work to do," he said with a smirk, leaving her standing there, wanting more.

"Of course," she collected herself and went out the door. Her breathing was ragged as her lips burned from the pressure he had used. The man knew how to kiss. She couldn't help but wonder what else he knew how to do.

# # # # #

At Halamshiral, surrounded by admirers, he couldn't turn his gaze from her. Not that he was the only one watching the Hero of Ferelden dance. And she danced with everyone that asked. She twirled and smiled as if she had been made to be on the dance floor. She maneuvered with the best of them and even though he knew it was just a distraction, that her smiles were faked and that the beads of sweat on her brow marked her exhaustion, he still felt a bit jealous. Not that he wanted to dance but that she paid so much attention to other men. He swallowed, feigning interest in something one of the many women surrounding him said. His ass had been grabbed three times already and he was starting to feel the pressure that was building as the inquisitor was off doing whatever needed to be done.

The song ended and Solona excused herself, making her way towards him. He avoided looking at her as she approached. "Hello Commander," she greeted him. "How are you?"

He grunted, not wanting to respond loud enough for the buzzing nobles to hear.

"Oh my poor Cullen. Surrounded by beautiful men and women and yet not enjoying it in the least. I'd be jealous if you didn't look so miserable."

"I stick out here. I don't belong."

"Nonsense. You actually look pretty good standing here." He blushed at her words. "Save me a dance?" she asked.

"No," he said automatically. He didn't miss the hurt expression that passed over her face. "I mean, I don't… I don't dance. Maker, I'm sorry. It's been an automatic response. But I do enjoy watching you. Dance that is. You're very good at it."

"Well, thank you. Maybe I can change your mind about dancing later." She leaned in close enough that he could smell her hair. "In private."

He blushed again and swallowed. She gave him another devilish grin and then walked back to where some nobles stood drinking their drinks. He was startled when Leliana pulled him aside.

"Dance with me."

"No."

"It wasn't a request."

She pulled him out on to the dance floor and he let her because truthfully she scared him a little. He looked pleadingly over at Solona but she only had a smirk on her face.

"You can't look at her like that," Leliana said. "Everyone with eyes knows."

"I can't help how I feel." The dance movements felt awkward and he felt eyes watching him.

"I know. Maker knows how I know." He followed Leliana's gaze as she looked over at Solona. He saw her laugh and put her hand on one of the nobleman's shoulders. He felt something in his gut tighten. Then he looked at Leliana and saw the same look he probably had every time he looked at Solona and it dawned on him. He looked at her with new understanding. "She's a hard woman not to fall in love with. But you mustn't."

"Why not?"

"Because her heart belongs to another."

His own heart sank. "Who?"

"I can't tell you. But they hurt her deeply and she's not over it. If you pursue things with her, she will break you. And we need you. The inquisition needs you. It is your duty to stay away from her."

He really didn't like hearing this from Leliana. "And if I don't? What will you do to me?"

She looked at him, her eyes sad. "Oh Cullen. It's not me you have to fear."


	9. Chapter 9

With the spectacle over and Empress Celene safe, Solona allowed herself a quick breather out on a balcony. The evening had been exhausting. Nobles kept asking her to dance and since it was her job to distract them from the inquisitor's sneaking around, she had said yes. Every time. Her feet were sore and she swore never to dance again. Her reprieve was short lived when a certain commander came out to see her.

"I was looking for you."

"Now you've found me."

"Are you all right?" He brushed his fingers across her arm and she shivered at his touch.

"I'm fine. Just tired. Too much dancing, too much drama. I'm looking forward to returning to Skyhold."

She gazed up at him and noticed that he was biting his lower lip nervously. He didn't meet her gaze. "Ummm, there was something I wanted to ask."

"Oh?"

He looked at her then and she saw the uncertainty in his eyes. She wanted to reassure him, that the night of dancing meant nothing to her, that whatever was bothering him she could fix but she didn't want to lie to him. She could barely fix herself how could she fix his problems too.

He took a deep breath. "Can I have this dance, my lady?"

Her face broke out into a smile. "Of course, Commander."

He clasped her hand in his and put his hand on her waist. She gripped his shoulder as they started to move. He was not nearly as bad as he claimed, though there was a stiffness in his movements that she found adorable.

"There was actually something else I wanted to ask you."

"You can ask me anything Cullen."

"Is there someone else?"

Her stomach dropped. "You've been talking to Leliana. What did she tell you?"

"Nothing. Is it true? You love someone else?"

So it was to happen already. "It's complicated."

"I see." He didn't bother to hide the disappointment on his face.

"I'm sorry." She wanted to banish the sadness she saw but she didn't know how.

"You don't owe me anything."

"I care about you, Cullen."

He sighed, his gaze distant. "I know."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

He looked at her then, a small smile on his lips. "You haven't."

She was confused.

He continued speaking. "I have no expectations of you. You know how I feel. Our stolen moments have been nice, but I don't expect more of them."

"I see," she repeated his earlier statement, disappoint now filling her.

"What I mean to say is that… I don't want to give you up, not yet. Not until… until I have more."

"Was that a proposition?"

He smirked. "It kind of sounded like it."

"Maybe we can find a storeroom somewhere, something more private than this balcony."

He looked taken aback. "I didn't mean now."

"What did you mean?"

He licked his lips. "I don't want you to worry about hurting me. I'm capable of taking care of myself. And I know what I want."

She leaned her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. She knew what she wanted too. But was it fair to either of them?

# # # # #

"We've had a request from the King of Ferelden to send ambassadors to assist in peace talks with Orlais." The inquisitor looked over at Solona. "He requested you by name."

Cullen watched, surprised by her reaction. She closed her eyes and let out a slow sigh. When she opened them, she looked resolute. "If you believe it's for the best, I will go. However if you have anywhere else you'd rather send me…"

"I do not. Are you sure? I can send others."

"No, I will go. Alistair is comfortable with me. It may prove advantageous to the inquisition if I can convince him to send us more aid." Cullen was a bit surprised that she sounded so familiar with the king until he remembered that the king had been one of her traveling companions during the blight. Of course they were friendly. He owed her the throne. And now they would use it to garner more support. It seemed a bit manipulative and out of character for Solona but maybe that's why she looked so uncomfortable. Having to manipulate a friend was against her nature.

The inquisitor dismissed them and before Leliana could swoop in and take Solona off, Cullen swooped first. "Can I speak with you a moment?" He asked.

She frowned, not meeting his eyes. "I'm not sure now is a good time. I need to pack."

He was surprised at her reaction but he knew something was off. "I insist."

"Very well. We can speak in my chambers as I get ready."

He followed her into her room and shut the door behind him. "Talk to me, Solona. What's going on?"

She stayed away from him and wouldn't meet his eyes. He took a step towards her and she took a step back. It was enough to convince him that she didn't want him too close so he stayed his distance.

Realization dawned on him. "This is what is complicated," he finally said.

She looked at him, closed her eyes and nodded.

"How long?"

"Since the blight."

"Damn." How the hell could he compete with that? Eleven years together. What did he have to offer? "You don't sound enthused to be reunited with your lover."

She sighed and sat down on her bed. "It's complicated. But no. I'm not happy to be sent off as a diplomat just because Alistair sends for me." There was so much bitterness in her voice.

He sighed. She stood up and walked over to him. Before he knew it, she embraced him, smothering her face in his chest. "I really need you to be my friend right now. I hope I haven't ruined that."

He laid his head on hers. "Of course not. What do you need?"

"This is nice."

He wanted to ask what this meant for their budding romance but that wasn't a friendly thing to ask so he kept quiet, enjoying the feel of her in his arms.

"Cullen?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"Whatever you need."

She swallowed a laugh. "If you knew what I was thinking, you wouldn't say that."

"What are you thinking?"

"Impure thoughts that would make the Maker blush." She paused. "It would definitely make you blush."

"Maker's breath, why do you tease me so?" The woman went from hot to cold back to hot so fast he couldn't keep up.

"Because I'm a bad person."

"I can think of a few punishments for that."

"Cullen!"

"What? You aren't the only one with impure thoughts."

She gazed up at him. "Even knowing what you know?"

"Knowing you love someone else doesn't stop me from caring about you or wanting you."

"I wish you'd said those things to me before, before him."

"I wouldn't have back then."

"I know."

His mind betrayed him as he thought about what a reunion between Solona and her king would be like. His chest constricted and he stiffened.

"What's wrong?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Nothing," he let her go. He knew now that he needed to let her go.

"You're worried about what's going to happen between Alistair and I… aren't you?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It's not my business."

She nodded, agreeing with him. How was a friend supposed to act in this situation? What would Leliana say? "Be careful."

"What?" she asked, looking genuinely confused.

"Orlesian politics can be murder, remember that."

She laughed at that, the mood between them improving. He needed to banish the thoughts of her with another man from his head. They weren't helping things and like he said, not his business.

He would be her friend. He would be her support. He would be whatever she let him be. Because being without her wasn't an option.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thank you for the comments! They are very much appreciated. **

Alistair needed all of her help to navigate Orlais politics. Luckily Empress Celene had no interest in starting another war with Ferelden. Night came and Solona dreaded what was to come next. That should have been an indicator that something was off but she ignored her gut. Familiarity and affection made her sneak into the king's room long after everyone else was asleep.

Alistair greeted her with a quick kiss on the cheek. "I wouldn't have gotten through the day without you."

"There were better suited diplomats to help you than me."

"But they wouldn't have been able to warm my bed at night." Alistair snuggled against her, pulling her close to his chest. She breathed in his familiar scent and was taken back to before, before they were forced to be people they weren't. When they were just two Grey Wardens versus the world. "I heard what happened with the Wardens. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"All right. What do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing. No talking tonight."

He chuckled and lifted her chin with his thumb. He lowered his face and pressed his lips against hers in a chaste kiss. It wasn't long before he deepened the kiss, running his tongue along her lips, trying to force her to open up for him. Her body stiffened. He noticed and pulled away.

"What's wrong?"

"There's someone else."

Alistair growled in the back of his throat, clearly not wanting to discuss other lovers. "I thought we wouldn't discuss this. That we'd leave the outside world behind when we could be together."

"Alistair why did you send for me specifically? You don't need me here."

"Of course I need you. I always need you."

"That's not what I meant."

"I missed you. You ran off on your important mission and then you go and join this inquisition. I saw an opportunity for us to spend some time together."

"The world is at threat."

"And love you just have to save it," he responded with a chuckle. "You haven't changed from that idealistic leader you were during the blight."

"I could be doing more to help, not be here as your… as your… plaything."

Alistair looked hurt at her words and she immediately regretted them. "I thought maybe you missed me too."

She sighed. "I do. I just resent being summoned."

He held her close and rested his head against her hair. She listened to the steady beat of his heart, forcing herself to be at peace. But her thoughts kept flitting back to Cullen and what he would think of her in this position. She pushed the thoughts away. She didn't owe Cullen anything. She didn't even know where they stood. A part of her heart belonged to Alistair and she wanted to be with him. But she felt so guilty that her thoughts betrayed her. It wasn't fair to either of the men in her life.

Alistair's fingers started to work at the bindings of her robes. She let him undress her slowly. He planted kisses along her exposed collar bone and bent lower to rain kisses on the top of her breasts as he unrolled her breast bindings. Finally he maneuvered her out of her small clothes.

"Maker's breath, you are beautiful," he whispered into her skin. He quickly shed his own clothes and pressed against her, skin to skin contact. He pulled her to the bed. "Let me make love to you and everything will be better."

She closed her eyes and stopped him. She didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve his love. "I can't. Not tonight."

Alistair sighed and kissed her forehead. "Of course love. Can you at least stay? Can I hold you?"

She nodded. Wordlessly, he pulled her in close and his breathing slowed. When she finally fell asleep herself, she dreamed of Cullen.

# # # # #

He heard of her return rather than saw her. It didn't take long for him to realize that she was avoiding him specifically. He would catch sight of her only to see her look at him and then turn and scurry away. He wanted to ask Leliana what was wrong but he remembered her earlier warning. Leliana would be the last person he'd go to about Solona. Dissatisfied with being ignored, he finally cornered her in her room.

"Please leave," she said as he shut the door behind him.

"Hear me out first."

"What do you want Cullen?

_You,_ he thought. "To be your friend like I said I'd be. To hear how you are doing. To find out why you have been avoiding me."

She looked at him, bitterness clear on her face. He breathed in deep, preparing himself for her words. When none come, he tried again. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm wishing you wouldn't look at me like that. I'm thinking this would be so much easier if you'd just stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I deserve you. Like I'm not a horrible person. You look at me with adoration I don't deserve. I wish you didn't care about me so I could sate my desires and be done with you."

He paused for a moment, letting her words sink in. "You desire me?"

"Is that really all you took from what I just said?"

"No, but it was the only part I liked." He tried to smile but the expression on her face killed it. "I can't help how I look at you."

She sat down upon her bed, head in her hands. For a moment he thought she was crying and his stomach twisted. But she looked up, her eyes dry and far away. "The sad part is if you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn't look at me like that anymore." Her eyes started glistening with unshed tears. "And that would break… that would break my heart."

He wanted to go to her and offer comfort but he stayed back. He didn't want to make things worse. "You give yourself too little credit."

"I'm a whore Cullen. I'm the king's whore."

He wanted to argue with her, tell her that she wasn't but he didn't think he could convince her. "That doesn't define you."

"Do you think I denied him? That I didn't come to his bed? Did you think you were enough to tear me away?"

Her words hurt, more than he'd admit even to himself. "I knew I couldn't compete."

"I used you. I used you to slake my thirst until I could get a drink from the real thing." Her eyes were dark and the tears had started to slip.

He shouldn't stay. He should just leave. She was just going to keep hurting him. But something in her expression, something in the way she said the words, rooted him to the spot. He simply didn't believe she meant it. He knew she cared for him. It might not be more than she loved her king, but there was something between them and she could deny it all she wanted but it was real. "Why are you pushing me away?"

"Because I don't deserve you."

"You think me perfect? That I don't have my own demons to bear?" He thought of the lyrium and his addiction. He thought of his nightmares and how he'd acted after the torture. He thought of the words that he had said to her, how he had hurt her. He thought of all the mistakes he made and how he could form it into words to convince her that they weren't any different. He didn't deserve her either.

"Are you a king's whore too?"

He burst out in bitter laughter. "That would be the least of my sins."

"Why don't you hate me?"

"Because I love you." There he had said it. For better or worse it was out there.

She stood up and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Then you are a fool."

"Perhaps. But I know you aren't a monster, I know you are worthy of love, of my love. You don't have to feel the same way about me. I don't need your love. But I do need you. Maker help me, but I'm not letting you push me away."

"Cullen."

He approached her and put a hand on her arm. "I said before I can't compete for your love so I won't even try. But if you'll have me, I'm here."

"How can you say these things knowing what I did, what I am?"

"You are Solona Amell, mage, hero, friend. I'm a better man for knowing you."

She collapsed in his arms, pressing her face against his chest. He held her as her body racked with sobs. "I'm so sorry. You deserve more."

"I don't want more. I want you."

He knelt down before her and cupped her face in his hands. He wiped her tears away. "I don't have to be your lover but I need to at least be your friend. Don't deny me that."

"I can't deny you anything."

He kissed her softly and when she opened her mouth to him the kiss deepened. He pulled away slightly. "Some may say I'm taking advantage of you in your distress."

"Oh Cullen, really?"

"Am I?"

She kissed him and pulled him to his feet. Then she pulled him until she landed on the bed, pulling him on top of her. Suddenly, panic gripped him. She noticed his hesitation. She brushed the hair out of his face and softly said, "Don't worry. I just want you to hold me."

He could do that. He readjusted them so that they were both lying on their sides with his arms wrapped around her. He pressed against her back and listened as her breathing slowed. She had fallen asleep. He stayed with her until the sun rose but left before she woke.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey hero," Varric called over to Solona. "We're about to start a game of Wicked Grace. It would be lovely if you'd join us." He paused. "Curly will be there."

She raised an eyebrow at the dwarf. "I would have said yes even if he wasn't."

"Sure you would. Come on."

She followed him into the tavern and walked towards the table where the Inquisitor and his companions sat. The inquisitor smiled at her and raised his mug of ale. "Glad you could join us, Solona."

She risked a glance at Cullen, who was naturally sitting next to the only available seat. Cullen had been avoiding her since the night they spent together. She didn't blame him. She settled in and ignored the knowing glances the companions gave each other. _Way to make a girl feel comfortable,_ she thought.

Cullen stood and didn't look at her. "Well it looks like you have enough people. I've got a hundred things to do."

"Sit down Curly. If anyone needs a hobby, its you."

He sighed, but obeyed. Finally he looked at her, a small smile on his lips. She was relieved that he didn't suddenly hate her. His confession that night still worried her. Love was something she couldn't offer him. And he knew that. It made things incredibly awkward between them. Maybe he had been right to ignore her. She tried not to let her worries show on her face. An ale was placed in front of her and she sipped at it.

"Those are some dainty sips there, Hero."

"You guys don't need to see me drunk."

"I'd like to see that," Cullen said with a smirk.

They looked at each other for a moment too long because the Iron Bull coughed and muttered, "Get a room you two."

They both blushed and turned away. She took a bigger swallow as the group chuckled at their expense. The night wore on. The ale flowed freely as Josephine raked in all of their money. The more ale he drank, the bolder Cullen became. It wasn't long before his hand was on her thigh, his fingers brushing back and forth against the cloth of her robes. If anyone else noticed, they were blessedly silent. The group traded stories and the laughter was abundant. For the first time in a long time, she felt like she belonged.

After he ran out of money, Cullen started betting his clothing. Solona could barely believe it. He was down to his small clothes and still trying to best Josephine. The woman had no mercy in her. Solona brushed the toe of her boot across his bare calf, inciting a look from him. She only smirked. She was enjoying the view and she doubted she was the only one. One more hand and he'd have lost everything. She was secretly rooting for Josephine.

No one else was even playing anymore, all were wrapped up in this duel between commander and ambassador. The hand finished and Josephine held out her own hand. "My winnings, Commander?"

All of him was a bright pink, whether from drink or embarrassment, she wasn't sure. Probably a bit of both. Cassandra stood up. "I'm done. I don't want to see the Commander's walk of shame back to the barracks."

Dorian quirked an eyebrow. "Well I do."

_Me too,_ she thought. It figured that even under all that armor he was perfect. She downed the rest of the ale in her mug and grinned. Everyone else was getting up to leave. The inquisitor gave her a brief nod which she returned. She turned her back to give Cullen his privacy as he scurried from the room. She did take a little peek though.

# # # # #

Days after the humiliating game of cards, the inquisitor and his companions were gone again. Cullen sat in his office, rummaging through paper work, rubbing his temples, trying to combat the headache that was starting to form. His door opened and he looked up to see Solona walking in. They hadn't spoken since the game. Or rather they hadn't really spoken since he had confessed that he loved her and had spent the night comforting her and wanting more. Oh how he wanted more.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"Umm, there was a reason I came here but now that I'm here I seem to have forgotten."

He looked up at her and smirked. Her eyes widened and he was pleased to see the effect he had on her.

"Maker you are sexy," she murmured. His grin widened as he got up from his desk, strode around it and pulled her in against his chest. He lowered his face, capturing her mouth with his for a long, slow kiss. She laced her fingers through his hair and pulled him in closer. He trailed kisses from her lips to her chin down her throat. He wanted to take her right then and there but he held back. Her breathing was heavy as he pulled away and her eyes darkened.

"Was that what you came here for?" he asked, his voice husky.

She blinked at him as if in a daze but slowly nodded. He smirked again and went back behind his desk. He shuffled papers around in an attempt to seem busy. He felt dizzy. She kept standing there.

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked in a voice that clearly stated she did not want to leave at all.

He pressed his lips together. As much as he wanted her in that moment, now wasn't the time to be crossing boundaries. But he didn't want her to leave either so he decided now was as good as a time as any to take a break.

"Would you care to join me for a game?" he asked, innocently.

This time she smirked. "Cards again?"

"Maker no. I'm never playing cards again. I still can't find my… never mind."

"Really? Cause watching you lose made me want to play cards more often."

"I don't need help embarrassing myself in front of you."

"You were blushing. It was adorable."

"Maker's breath."

She laughed. He loved her laugh. "So what kind of game do you want to play?" He doubted he misread the twinkle in her eye.

"Chess?" He tried to sound casual as he said it, but she was affecting him again. He remembered what she had said before. She desired him. Maker knows he desired her.

"Chess it is."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Very NSFW Smut!**

Cullen played ferociously, easily winning their game.

"So what does the winner want?" she asked him. During the game, he had ignored her flirting and attempts to distract, remaining focused on their game. It had been both frustrating and intriguing. It was as if he was suddenly playing hard to get.

"Dinner," he responded plainly.

"Oh," she tried to hide the disappointment in her voice but he raised an eyebrow.

"Have dinner with me."

"All right." They cleaned up their game and went to get food. They carried their food to his room and he cleared a spot on his desk for them to eat. They ate in comfortable silence.

"Cullen can I ask you something?" she asked as soon as she was done eating.

He looked up. "Anything."

"Where is this going?" She gestured between them.

"I don't know," he replied quietly.

"Do you really just want to be my friend?"

He thought for a moment and then looked her in the eyes. "It's enough for me."

She bit her lip and lowered her gaze. "It's not for me. I don't want to hurt you but this tension between us is maddening."

He sighed and stood up. "What would you have me do?"

She got up and closed the gap between them, pressing her lips against his. The kiss remained soft, almost chaste. "Maybe I'm just not used to hearing no."

"I'm not saying no."

"Then what are you saying?"

He bent down to kiss her again. This time his tongue begged entrance and this was no chaste kiss. Breathless they parted. "Upstairs," he said, his voice low, almost a growl.

She turned and climbed up his ladder to his sleeping area. Halfway up she glanced down to see him staring at her. "Admiring the view?"

"Keep climbing."

He followed up behind her. As soon as he was up, he pounced on her. Their lips mashed together as each searched the other with hands and lips. He trailed kisses down her face and collarbone, pulling at her robe. She helped him lift the hem of the robe over her head and discarded the cloth to the floor. She shivered as the cool air nipped at her bare skin. It wasn't fair for her to be so vulnerable and for him to still be fully clothed so before he could continue to undress her, she moved to take his armor off. "This goes now," she muttered.

The two of them unclasped each piece and it hit the floor with a thud. Dressed in only a tunic and breeches he quickly shed even those. She ran her hands across his body, admiring how his skin prickled at her touch. He shivered. She traced the muscles in his arms, raked fingernails down his chest and planted kisses on his stomach. She sank to her knees and Cullen's eyes widened. She slowly removed the last piece of clothing between them, freeing his erection. She grasped him in her hand, looking up at him to see him sucking in a breath. She moved her hand up and down his shaft, delighting in the way he rocked his hips. After placing a kiss on the head, she wrapped her mouth around him and started sucking.

"Maker's breath," he sighed, wrapping his hands in her silky tresses and urging her to take him deeper. She moaned around his cock, enjoying the feel of him in her mouth. She twirled her tongue around his shaft, delighting in the sounds she was eliciting from him. She licked up his length, using one hand to pump up and down and with her other she reached around and grabbed his ass. He tensed and she could taste his salty precum on her tongue.

"Stop, not like this." He pleaded, gently removing himself from her mouth. She smiled up at him wickedly as he pulled her to her feet. His lips found hers as they moved in sync to his bed. He picked her up and laid her on the bed. Removing her breast binding, his mouth moved down to suckle at her breasts. He twirled his tongue around her nipple and scrapped his teeth against it causing her to arch her back in pleasure.

"You have perfect breasts," he mumbled against her skin.

"I think you are biased."

He rained kisses and licks down her stomach, pulling her small clothes off with his hands. Then he nestled between her thighs. Planting kisses across her thighs, she squirmed. "I've waited so long for this," he panted.

"I've waited longer," she teased.

"I doubt that." And without further argument, he licked down her slit.

"Oh Cullen," she moaned, reaching down to tug at his curly hair. He took his time exploring and searching for every place that made her squirm, that made her arch her back off the bed, and that made her moan his name. He used the tip of his tongue to trace patterns into her intimate parts and the flat of his tongue to change up the pace. When she rocked her hips, he placed his palm on her stomach, pushing her down into the bed. His mouth was driving her crazy. How he had gotten so good at this caused a momentary pang of jealousy that vanished as she started to peak.

"Cullen I'm coming," she squeaked out as waves of pleasure crashed through her body. He sucked on her pearl as her orgasm overtook her body. Sweat beaded across her body and she felt vulnerable. Like he could very well hurt her. Shaking off the feeling as an aftereffect of her orgasm, she pulled him up to her so she could feel his mouth on hers again. She ignored her own juices that were rubbed into his stubble.

"I need you," she breathed.

"I've been aching for you for years. Let me take my time."

He reached between his legs and rubbed his cock across her sensitive clit. Then he rubbed against her entrance and sank himself slowly into her until he stretched her fully. She had never felt so full before. Bliss filled her up. He stayed still for a moment, a look of concentration on his face.

"Are you all right?" She asked, brushing his hair out of his face.

"Even in my wildest fantasies I never imagined you would feel this good." He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Then he started moving his hips, slowly sliding in and out of her. His cautiousness was maddening. A part of her wanted him to move faster, to take her harder, to drive her into the bed until she was begging for more. The other part of her enjoyed the sensations of his length as he took his time making love to her. She let him take control, to control the pace, sinking into the pleasure he was offering.

He nipped at her neck as he increased his pace. He pushed harder causing the bed to creak under their weight. He hooked one of her legs around his arm, increasing the depth he was hitting. Each thrust hit all the right spots. He granted her other wish, driving her into the bed with his powerful hips. She clung to his biceps, eyes closed, licking her lips as she craved more.

"Solona," he cried out and it was enough to cause another orgasm to rip through her body. She dug her fingernails into his back as his pace became frenzied.

"Take me Cullen. I'm yours."

He cried out, spilling his seed deep inside of her. He was still inside of her when a loud knock came at the door. He groaned. He bounded to his feet, pulling on his breeches as someone opened the door. "What?" he yelled down, frustration lacing his words.

"Ser, the inquisitor has returned and is summoning his war council," the messenger replied meekly.

"I'll be right there."

He turned to Solona, still laying exhausted in his bed. He pulled on the rest of his clothes and slipped on his armor, all while she watched him. She enjoyed watching him. She smiled at his disheveled hair from their frantic love making. Once dressed, he leaned down and kissed her. She didn't want him to stop.

"Don't you dare go anywhere," he said.

# # # # #

Cullen was trying to pay attention to the meeting but his mind kept wandering back to Solona, naked in his bed, waiting for him. He could still taste her on his tongue. He could still feel her, writhing beneath him as he drove into her wet heat. He was so consumed with her that he completely missed whatever question the inquisitor had asked. They were all staring at him.

"Do you have someplace you'd rather be, commander?" The inquisitor asked.

_Yes,_ he thought. "No. I'm sorry."

"As I was saying," the inquisitor seemed amused by his distraction. "We will leave for the Arbor Wilds as soon as the army is ready to march. When will that be, Cullen?"

"A couple of days at most."

"Good. Get it done. You're dismissed."

Before he could return to the woman in his bed, Leliana intercepted him. "Do you know where Solona is?"

He was sure he was blushing. "Why would you think…?"

"You had dinner together."

"How? Never mind. What do you want with her?"

Leliana smiled knowingly. "Just let her know I'm looking for her."

The walk back to his room took forever. People kept trying to stop and talk to him but his patience was wearing thin. He knew he was being rude. But he was worried that if he took too long she'd no longer be there waiting for him. The thought of going back to an empty bed depressed him.

He finally entered his tower and locked the door behind him. He climbed the ladder, mentally preparing himself for disappointment. He was delighted to find her still naked, half asleep in his bed. She opened her eyes and smiled upon seeing him. He couldn't keep the grin off of his face.

"You are wearing much too many clothes."

He stripped, laying his armor neatly against a chair and letting his tunic and breeches fall to the floor in a heap. He didn't care enough about them to put them up, eager as he was to get back to bed. She welcomed him back with open arms, wearing a lazy smile.

"Welcome back, Commander. Missed you."

He nuzzled against her neck, breathing in her distinct scent. "Leliana is looking for you."

Her hands trailed down his chest. "She can wait." She kept trailing down until her hand wrapped around his already erect cock. He sucked in a breath as she began to stroke him. "You can't."

Without further chat, she lifted herself up and swung her leg over his waist, straddling him. He moaned. She rubbed his aching head against her wet folds until she gently placed it at her entrance and then slowly sank down, engulfing him inside of her. She felt exquisite. Her walls tightened around him. He grasped her waist but let her control the depth of penetration and the movement of her hips. Finally he couldn't take her slow teasing any longer and used his own hips to penetrate deeper and faster. Her hands fell to his chest to steady herself. He was mesmerized by her body. She leaned down completely to press her mouth against his. He plundered her mouth with his tongue until they were both panting. She hit her climax, tensing around him and it didn't take him long to follow.

Exhausted he leaned into his pillow and pulled her in close. _I'm doomed,_ he thought.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: NSFW for Smut!**

The cold air nipped at Solona's skin. She could see her breath in the air as she trekked from one side of the camp, the side with the tent she shared with some female mages, to the other side, where the Commander of the Inquisition had his own. There was nothing wrong with her tent, she didn't even mind sharing but she yearned for his arms around her and so while most of the camp slept, she crept.

She made it to his tent without being seen by the sentries on night watch. She didn't know if it was because she'd gotten that good at sneaking or if the sentries were just ignoring her. It wasn't like her and Cullen weren't already a source of gossip, something that seemed to bother him a little. She was used to rumors, true and untrue and didn't let other people's opinions of her bother her anymore. Cullen just wanted his privacy. It was hard to have privacy when you are in such a prominent position, she had told him.

She slipped into his tent, expecting him to already be asleep. She noticed that he reached for something, his sword probably, before she could announce that it was her.

"Solona? What are you doing?"

"I thought you'd be happier to see me. Actually I thought you'd be asleep and I'd catch you off guard. I should have known that you'd be ready for me."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Do you want me to go?" She asked in all seriousness. If she was overstepping some boundary being in his tent, she wanted to know.

"Of course not. You just surprised me." He was sitting up, rubbing the back of his neck like he often did when he was nervous. She found it adorable. "Now everyone's going to know."

"Sweetheart, we haven't exactly been a secret."

She shrugged out of her robe and crawled into his bedroll. He automatically wrapped his arms around her shivering form, pulling her into his chest and into his warmth.

"You're shaking."

"Bad dream."

"You have nightmares?" he asked.

"Side effect of being a Warden. You chase away the nightmares though."

"Really?"

"Well you make waking from them more pleasant." She raised her head to give him a slow kiss on the lips. He broke the kiss with a sigh.

"We should get some rest. Long day ahead of us."

"Worried I'll be too much of a distraction for you to fall asleep?"

"You do have that effect on me."

"I came here for sleep, Commander."

He nuzzled against the top of her head and she fell asleep listening to the sound of his beating heart. She woke before dawn to Cullen crying out in his sleep. She sat up and placed her hand on his chest.

"Cullen? It's just a dream, its okay," she whispered, stroking his hair.

His eyes fluttered open and he looked around. "Where?" he started to ask.

"We're in your tent on the way to the Arbor Wilds. You were having a nightmare."

He sighed, closing his eyes. He opened them after a minute, staring at her. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you."

"Let me worry a little." She continued to stroke his hair. He leaned up and pressed his forehead against hers.

"I didn't mean to wake you either."

"Shh… its okay." She kissed him lightly on the mouth. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "Just bad dreams. But you do make waking up from them more pleasant."

"Is that your way of saying you want me to share your bed more often?"

He smiled. "I've heard of worse ideas."

She snuggled into his chest. "I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get back to sleep."

"Me neither. Can I just hold you for a while?"

It was then that she realized he was shaking. "Of course."

"Sometimes this feels like a dream. Having you here, being with you. It's almost too much to believe."

She didn't say anything, just listened to the beating of his heart. His shaking stopped and his breathing became regular. He had fallen back asleep. She moved so that she could watch him. He looked so peaceful, so vulnerable. She stroked his cheek. She wanted to protect him. Knowing that they were going to be fighting for their lives in just a few hours gave her a heavy heart. She prayed to the Maker, something she never did, to keep him safe. Her world would be shattered without him.

Days later, after they got back, both safe, from the Arbor Wilds, she prayed for the second time. Thank you.

# # # # #

Cullen was not happy to see Solona when she walked into his office. His muscles were tense and he knew he was shaking. She immediately looked concerned, reaching out a hand to steady him as he took a step and nearly fell. The withdrawal was wrecking his body with pain. The nightmares the night before had interrupted his sleep enough to make him exhausted. What was worse than the blinding pain, was the guilt. The guilt was all consuming. He rested his hands on his desk, steadying himself. He owed her an explanation.

"There's something I've been keeping from you. I didn't want you to worry."

"What is it? Are you sick?"

"It's lyrium. I've stopped taking it. Haven't had it since I left Kirkwall. Forgive me."

She rounded the desk, putting her arms around him. She peppered kisses on his ears and neck, desperately trying to alleviate the pain. "You are so brave," she whispered in his ear. He closed his eyes, trying to force out the pain and enjoy her caresses. "Can I ask why?"

He nods. "You saw me at the circle. After what they did to me. They tortured me for I don't know how long. I tried not to break but it was too much. I blamed all mages. I even hated you for what you are. And then I was sent to Kirkwall, a chance for a new beginning. But I was still angry. I turned a blind eye to some of the atrocities and didn't act until it was too late. So when Cassandra recruited me, I turned my back on the order and with it lyrium. I needed to be free of it entirely. To become whole again."

Her hold on him tightened as she listened to his story. "What can I do?"

"Nothing. I must simply endure."

"Has it gotten easier?"

"Some days are worse than others. It's hard to see the end when the pain is this bad, when the visions are this horrible. I'm letting down the inquisition with my weakness."

"You are the strongest person I've ever met. You are the best man for this job. And I'm not being biased. Cassandra believes so as does the inquisitor. As do your men."

She was saying exactly what he needed to hear. He pulled her around into a searing kiss. His lips burned from the pressure against her mouth. She moaned and wrapped her hands in his hair, pulling him in even closer. "Take off your robe," he said gruffly.

"Someone could come in at any moment," she said, glancing at the shut but not locked door.

"I don't care. I need this." He pushed her into his desk and pulled her robes up to her waist. It took him no time to shed her small clothes. He unlaced his breeches and without another word plunged deep inside her. His pace was frantic as he drove into her. His mouth was on hers, muffling her cries. He sucked at her bottom lip. She tightened around him as she climaxed, arching her back. He nibbled at her neck as he emptied himself deep in her womb.

"I love you so much," he breathed, instantly regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth. She kissed his sweating brow. They separated and she pulled her underwear back on.

"Did that help at all?"

He nodded. "Being with you quells the pain."

"Well I'm here. Whatever you need." Concern laced her words. He was thankful she still cared after everything he admitted. He had been honest, being with her helped, even if it was just a little. He didn't know what he would do when she was gone. He was becoming too attached. She'd never feel for him what he felt for her. And yet he wouldn't let her go. Not until she forced him to.


	14. Chapter 14

Meeting Morrigan's son Kieran was the most painful thing Solona ever experienced. "I didn't want to cause you pain, my friend," Morrigan said, her voice sincere.

Solona shook her head, not wanting the woman to see how badly this was affecting her. The child was a foul reminder of her own cowardice, of what she could never herself have and marked the exact moment that she had lost Alistair. Sure they still shared each other's bodies but that night marked where their souls no longer intertwined. Where their love had turned to ash and both of them had their hearts broken. The physical reminder of that loss left her mouth dry and her heart pounding. She couldn't look at her friend so she murmured some excuse and fled to her rooms, her vision blurry with unshed tears.

Shortly thereafter, someone knocked on her door. She didn't respond to it but whomever it was took her silence as invitation and let themselves in. Cullen appeared and she ran to him, collapsing in his arms, still sobbing. He walked them awkwardly to the bed and got her to sit next to him. Her sobbing soon abated and he lifted her chin so he could stare into her eyes. Amber orbs showed the concern he felt and she nearly lost herself in them. He was too good to her.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You are going to hate me."

"Never," he reassured.

She took a long, deep breath and began her tale, never able to look him in the eye again. "There is a reason a Grey Warden is required to slay an archdemon. The taint allows the soul of the archdemon to pass to the closest thing with the taint, giving it a sort of immortality. However when it jumps into a Grey Warden who delivers the killing blow, the souls are destroyed, killing the Grey Warden entirely."

He looked a bit confused. "I thought you slew the archdemon? You are still alive."

"On the eve before we departed to Denerim, one of my companions approached me with a way to save both Alistair and myself from death. A ritual."

"Blood magic?"

"Blood wasn't the body fluid that was shared."

His eyes got wide. "I see."

"I forced Alistair to lie with Morrigan in my own cowardice. I didn't want to die and I knew Alistair couldn't die, he was needed. I thought… I thought I was prepared for the consequences but I wasn't. I just met the consequence of that night, Morrigan's son. Alistair's son."

He was quiet for a while, seeming to absorb what she had just told him. Finally he put his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. "You put too much burden on yourself. Alistair is a grown man and made his own decisions. He became king because he chose to. He slept with Morrigan because he chose to. You aren't to blame for his actions."

"I manipulated him into doing those things."

Cullen could only shake his head. "I don't understand how you still love him after everything he's done to you."

"I don't know, he was my first."

"Maybe you do it to hurt yourself because you feel you deserve the pain."

She raised her head and looked up at him. How could he still care for her after the truth of what she had done was brought to light?

"And I've spoken out of turn. Forgive me," he said.

"There's nothing to forgive. I'd just never thought about it that way before. So you don't hate me?"

"Of course not. There's nothing you could say that make me actually hate you. Disappoint me, yes. Even hurt. But not hate."

"What if I said I was a blood mage?"

"That's not funny."

"You're right. It's not."

"Are you?"

"No I abhor blood magic. It destroyed my best friend, destroyed my home. It destroyed the Grey Wardens. I've come across many in my years and each one makes my skin crawl."

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"Was wondering if I could use that if I needed to break up with you."

He pulled her in close again and peppered the top of her head with quick pecks. "Never break up with me."

# # # # #

As soon as he returned from the temple, Corypheus slain, and saw her, he scooped her up in his arms and kissed her without a care for whomever saw it. He delighted in the fact that she kissed him back with just as much passion, both of them wrapped up in each other until someone behind them cleared their throat. He let her go and turned to see Leliana grinning at them. "Save some for the rest of us," she chided.

Solona laughed and embraced her friend. Leliana caught his eye and gave him a nod as if she was giving her permission to the couple. If Leliana approved, then he must have been doing something right. The inquisitor entered the hall and was immediately surrounded. He made his way over to them and picked Leliana off the floor in a huge hug. It took the spy master by surprise. After letting go of her, he bent down and placed a chaste kiss on Solona's cheek.

"Congratulations Inquisitor. You've made the world a much safer place for everyone."

"There is still much work to be done. I hope you won't be leaving us anytime soon."

A look crossed her face that made Cullen question whether she was staying as well. "I'm of service for at least a little while longer."

"Well for tonight it's time to celebrate. I'm sure the Commander would like to sweep you away for the night. Would you at least save a dance for me?" The inquisitor winked and Solona blushed. An unfamiliar pang of jealousy arose in his gut. He felt momentarily possessive of her which Leliana sensed because she looped her arm around his and yanked him to her side.

"As long as I get a dance with the commander." Leliana exchanged a glance with the inquisitor and Cullen felt very foolish. They were teasing them. Solona caught on at the same moment and pulled him to her side.

"Mine," she said with a laugh. Cullen felt heat rise to his face. He liked how she said that.

The inquisitor roared with laughter. "Well now that's settled, enjoy your evening. I have a bunch of snobby nobles to attend to."

"It never gets easier," Solona said. "I'm glad it's you and not me."

The inquisitor and Leliana left them both alone. He wanted nothing more than to sweep her away as the inquisitor foretold but something in her expression held him back. She looked sad.

"Is something wrong?"

She looked up at him, a small smile on her lips. It looked forced. "Let's just enjoy the night."

"No, Solona. I'm not going to enjoy anything knowing that something is wrong. Talk to me."

She looked around. "Not here." She started walking towards her room. He followed closely behind her, nervousness twisting in his gut. Her seriousness made him suspect that whatever was on her mind was going to be something he would very much dislike.

Once they were alone in her room, instead of talking like she promised, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He kissed her back, running his tongue along the bottom of her lip like she liked. She opened her mouth and their tongues met and he felt a familiar jolt of electricity run down his spine. If he didn't know better he would have thought it magic. He finally pulled away, not letting her distract him with her mouth.

"We're alone. Talk to me."

She smiled at him coyly. "Wouldn't you rather do something else?" She ran her fingers up his breastplate until her finger reached his chin. Then she traced his scar with her finger. She was making this very difficult.

"You are frustrating," he breathed.

"And you are wearing much too much armor."

"How about this? You tell me what's on your mind and I will get undressed. Win/win."

She chuckled. "How can I refuse that offer?"

He waited for her to start, playing with one of the clasps on his breastplate.

"Tease," she murmured. And then she sighed. "I'm going to have to leave soon."

She had said exactly what he didn't want to hear. "Why?"

"This is a secret. Another Grey Warden secret. But the ritual that causes us to become what we are, well it gives us the taint, darkspawn taint and eventually it kills us. Much sooner than later."

"How much time do you have?"

"It depends. Maybe a decade or two? If I'm lucky. But there might be a way to reverse the taint, to cure it. I was on the path to this cure when Leliana's letter reached me. I abandoned my leads in order to come here and assist the inquisition. But Corypheus is defeated. The threat has been vanquished. My reasons for staying are limited."

"So you have no reason to stay." He couldn't help the disappointment in his voice.

She reached out to him, cupping his face in her hand. "I'm not saying that. But I have a mission and I can't just let it go."

"And you shouldn't." Cullen sighed. "I understand. I do. I just want to be selfish for a bit longer."

"I'm not leaving tonight."

He pulled her to him. "And I'm not letting you go tonight."

"What about your end of the deal? Get naked."

He laughed but obliged her. He spent the rest of the night giving her reasons to stay.


	15. Chapter 15

Upon hearing that the King of Ferelden, that Alistair, her Alistair, had arrived at Skyhold, Solona's stomach dropped. She suddenly felt nauseous and afraid. He wasn't supposed to be here. Her thoughts immediately went to Cullen and wondered how he must be feeling right then. She didn't get to ask him because as soon as she entered the throne room, Leliana pulled her aside.

"The inquisitor wishes you to be at his side when he greets the king."

"I'd rather hide."

Leliana gave her a quick squeeze. "You'll get through this."

"Having them both in the same room is going to be… impossible." She kept her voice low so none of the nobles would overhear her.

"Does Alistair know?"

"About Cullen? Not specifically. Not that it matters. Alistair doesn't own me. And neither does Cullen. Maker, this is a mess."

Before Leliana could further comfort her, the inquisitor gave her a look and she went to his side. Cullen stood to his left but she couldn't meet his gaze. She couldn't bear to see his expression. When she did finally take a peek, she saw that his face was as hard as stone. No emotion flickered on his face not even when he caught her looking at him. It was as if she meant nothing to him. She had no time to reflect on that because Alistair's soldiers were marching in and following them was the king.

Alistair strode up to the inquisitor with purpose in his step and a smile on his face. He gave a quick bow to the inquisitor and then turned to Leliana. He surprised everyone by hugging her. Leliana looked at her and she gave a half shrug. Who knew with Alistair?

And then he was facing her and she realized he was expecting her to say something but nothing formed in her mind. So instead he reached for her hand, turned it upside down and kissed her wrist in a far too intimate manner. Some people gasped. "Solona, it's been far too long."

She realized that everyone expected a response so she simply said, "Your majesty."

She looked over at Cullen to see that his expression had not changed. However the inquisitor looked a bit angry. He schooled his face back to impassivity as soon as Alistair faced him.

"We hadn't expected you, your majesty. What can Skyhold and the Inquisition offer you?"

"I simply wanted to come and congratulate you on your victory. You saved our world. For that I am in your debt. Whatever Ferelden can offer, is yours."

"That is generous. You didn't have to come all this way for that though. A letter would suffice."

She heard Josephine gasp. The inquisitor wasn't being very politically savvy in the moment.

Alistair simply laughed. "Truthfully I wanted to see the famed inquisitor for myself. Makes me feel more important than I am."

The inquisitor looked surprised at Alistair's informality. Solona wasn't. It was part of his charm. His damnable charm. "I'm sure we will have much to discuss. Come have a drink with me." And with that, they were all dismissed. Alistair was looking at her but she avoided him, avoided everyone as she left the stifling chamber. She made her way to Cullen's tower, knowing that the one person she wanted to see would make his way there eventually.

She didn't have to wait long before Cullen opened the door. He looked surprised to see her standing there and a moment of vulnerability showed on his face. It was immediately replaced with the mask again.

"I didn't expect you here."

"And where did you expect me?"

"At your king's side of course." His voice held so much venom that she cringed.

"I didn't know he was coming."

"Well he made it clear where you belonged."

"Isn't that up to me?"

"Are you saying you no longer love him?"

Solona bit her lip. She had never seen Cullen this angry, especially not at her. "You know that it is complicated."

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm tired of complicated. I can't do this anymore."

"What are you saying?"

"That it's best we end things now. You were planning on leaving anyways. Now you can leave with Alistair if you wish."

"Cullen, please…"

"No. I don't want to hear it. We had our fun, now it's time to move on."

She wanted to reach out to him, to touch him, to reassure him, but she had no idea what to even say. Her heart twisted.

"Please go. I want to be left alone."

There wasn't anything else she could do, so she left. As soon as she shut the door behind her, she started crying. She ignored the looks she was getting as she hurried to her own room. Once there she collapsed on her bed, a bed that just the night before she'd shared with him, now she was alone and the emptiness inside of her ached. She had fully expected that she would break his heart. She had had no idea what he would do to hers.

She must have fallen asleep because someone knocked at her door and then let themselves in. As she opened her eyes, she hoped that it was Cullen but instead Alistair stood at the foot of her bed, looking mightily unsure of himself.

"You disappeared," he said gently. And then he sat next to her on the bed. "You've been crying. What happened, my love?"

"You knew there was someone else."

"Yes. I've heard the rumors about you and the Commander. The commander and his mage. His. As if he owned you. As if you belonged to him and not me."

"Alistair I can't do this with you tonight."

"You are hurting, love. Let me be here for you as you've been for me all these years."

"Why did you kiss my hand like that in front of everyone? You know there will be talk now."

"Good. I wanted everyone to know what you mean to me. I'm sick of hiding it."

"You're the king. We have to hide it."

"I'm the king and I say we don't."

Solona shook her head. "Alistair it's over."

His eyes went wide. "Why would you say that?"

"Because we've been holding on to something that ended a long time ago."

"Is this because of him?"

"In a way. He showed me that I deserve more than to be your whore."

"Don't ever call yourself that. You mean so much to me, I've never thought of you as anything less than my true wife."

Her heart ached. For who she didn't know.

"So you want to be with him instead? You barely know this man. You just met him a few months ago."

"I've known him for years. He was a templar at the circle where I grew up. But it doesn't matter. He ended things with me tonight. I couldn't give him what he needed."

"So even though you aren't with him, you don't want me anymore either?"

"How fair would it be to you, if when we were together, I was aching for him?"

Alistair seemed close to tears. "So that's it? Eleven years becomes nothing?"

"Not nothing. You were my first love Alistair. I'm who I am today because of you, because of your love. But it's time for us to both move on. Even before Cullen, I was beginning to feel used. Dirty. It was unfair of us to continue on with our affair."

"I don't know what to do without you."

"Yes you do. You do it every day. You don't need me. You might think you do, but in reality you've been doing just fine without me."

"I don't want to be without you. But I also want you to be happy. Seeing you like this is breaking my heart more than your words are."

She hugged him, breathing in his distinctive scent and closing her eyes. This would be the last time she would allow herself to touch him. He pressed his forehead against hers and leaned in to kiss her. A final goodbye kiss. It ended soon after it began, both of them in too much pain to linger.

"Goodbye Alistair."

# # # # #

Cullen paced around his desk, torturing himself with images of Solona and Alistair in various stages of love making. He knew at this very moment, she would be wrapped in her king's arms, sighing his name as he claimed her. And that's exactly what the king had done when he arrived at Skyhold. He had made it quite clear who she belonged to and it wasn't him. He could still see the pink on her cheeks after Alistair had kissed her wrist. It was simply something he could not compete with.

He knew he had been harsh when he ended things but he simply could not be with her anymore. It hurt too much and it would have hurt even more if she had gone to the king while they were still together. So he ended it before she'd have to make the choice. If he was honest with himself, he'd know that choosing to bed the king would have destroyed him. So he was preemptive. He protected himself. Why then did he feel like this? Like someone had gutted him. He knew she wasn't his, would never be his and yet he had fallen in love with her. And she'd broken him just as they said she would.

He shook the thoughts from his head. Tonight he would mourn her, he would mourn what they could have been but tomorrow he would get up and he would move on. Solona wasn't everything. He still had his commitments and as painful as losing her was, he would get over it. He wouldn't be broken. He wouldn't be useless. He would get up as he always did and he'd endure because that's what he did.

So when someone knocked on his door, he felt no guilt for barking out a sharp "What?" He hoped that whoever was knocking would get the hint and leave him alone. However they continued to knock. He opened the door, ready to give whoever was standing there a good tongue lashing when he realized that it was Solona.

"Can I come in?" She asked in a small voice. She seemed so vulnerable.

"You shouldn't be here."

"I couldn't leave things as they were."

He didn't budge. "I'm not changing my mind. I will not be the consolation prize. I will not be the one to put you back together when he leaves you again."

"Alistair and I are no longer together. What we had is over. That's clear to me now."

Her words sunk in but they weren't enough. "I won't be your rebound."

"Oh Cullen, I'm trying to tell you that I love you."

"You love me?"

"Yes. More than I thought possible. I can't lose you. I'm not strong enough to endure that."

"You love me?" Her words had yet to fully sink in.

"I said that already. Why do you doubt it?"

"Because I didn't think it possible."

"I love you, Cullen."

He took her in his arms and kissed her as hard as he could. He was afraid if he let go, he'd wake from this dream. "I love you, too." He whispered against her lips. He pressed his forehead against hers, his eyes closed. "You are… I've never felt anything like this before."

She kissed him gently. "Neither have I."

"I didn't think I could compete."

"There is no competition. I am yours."

"What about your quest? I won't lose you to this taint."

"Come with me."

"I can't. The Inquisition still needs me."

"But they won't forever. Let me stay until then. I don't want another ten years to pass without you."

He nuzzled her neck. "Then stay with me." He pulled her inside and locked the door. He led her to the ladder and nudged her up. Once they were up in his loft, he took her in his arms again and didn't let go.


	16. Chapter 16

Solona was nervous. She had been less nervous facing the archdemon than she was now.

"You're shaking," Cullen commented, placing his hand on her arm. "What's wrong?"

"I'm about to meet your family. I'm terrified."

He laughed. "The great hero of Ferelden terrified of the Rutherford clan. You have nothing to worry about. They are going to love you."

She snorted.

"Mia was already gushing about the fact that I know the Hero as it is. They are eager to meet you regardless of me."

"It's you they are eager to see. How many years has it been?"

"Far too long. Thank you for convincing me to do this."

"It was the inquisitor who ordered you to visit your family."

"And who got him to do that? Don't deny it Solona."

"It wasn't fair that you said the only way you'd go was if I went along too. And then he ordered me to come with."

"Be careful what you wish for," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

"I'd be less nervous if it wasn't for the whole Hero thing anyways. If I was just going as Solona Amell, mage…"

"Love of my life?"

"There's that pressure again. What if they don't like me? What if they don't approve?"

"They will like you. But even if they don't it doesn't change how I feel about you. I don't need my family's approval to love you."

His words were sweet and she held on to them as they made their way through South Reach and to his family's home.

She hadn't expected the sheer amount of people to greet them when they arrived. It wasn't just his parents and siblings, but his siblings significant others and all their children. And there was a lot of children. It didn't take long for Solona to become completely overwhelmed.

An older woman who Solona guessed was Cullen's mother, embraced her son tightly. "It's been so long, Cullen." Cullen hugged her back, burying his face in her shoulder.

There was more greetings and Solona took a step back to watch her love surrounded by the people he called family. But it wasn't long before the attention turned on her. A woman who looked no older than Cullen embraced her first. She hugged her back awkwardly, unsure of what to do.

"I almost didn't believe it when he said he knew you. And then when he said the two of you were together I really didn't believe him. I mean who would want my awkward brother? I guess since he never wrote or visited, I had this image of a gawky teenager still in my head."

"I wouldn't call Cullen awkward or gawky," she said with a smirk. Cullen reddened.

Cullen's mother approached her cautiously but when she realized Solona wouldn't run away, embraced her as well. "I'm so happy to finally meet you. My son has written telling us all about you. You've made him very happy and for that I am grateful."

"You have a wonderful son."

"That we agree on. Come on, let's get some food in you. You must be exhausted from your travels."

Solona followed the other woman into the dining room and was seated between Cullen and his sister Mia. His family had hundreds of questions for her and she answered each politely. It wasn't long before there was much laughter and teasing, especially at Cullen's expense. It was clear to anyone who saw it how loved the commander was and how much he loved his family back. Solona hadn't seen him so relaxed and comfortable. It relaxed her as well. The longer she spent with his family, the more at ease she became. They really were an inviting bunch.

# # # # #

Cullen found Solona standing alone in the kitchen, the candlelight flickering and casting shadows to dance upon the walls. She watched as his shadow joined hers. "What are you doing in here?"

"I needed to be alone for a minute, I'm sorry."

"They can become a bit much I know."

"It's not them. They're wonderful. It's me."

"What do you mean?" When she didn't answer, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into his chest. It was strange to be pulled against him without his armor in the way. Instead she could feel his heartbeat, a steady beat that calmed her. "Talk to me."

"You deserve this. A family. Children. A legacy. And I can't give that to you."

"Solona…"

"Listen to me. You deserve a woman who can bear you children. Someone who can grow old with you, not leave you in ten or twenty years."

"We'll find a cure."

"There is no guarantee. We could waste years searching for something that doesn't even exist instead of building a family and a home. Being with you is selfish. I'm keeping you from having what you deserve."

"Does what I want matter at all? I love you Solona. You. I wouldn't want a family with someone else. I didn't want to do this in front of my family and put pressure on you, but I can't wait any longer." He dropped to one knee, holding her hands in his and she raised her eyebrow. "Solona Amell, would you make me the happiest man in Thedas and become my wife?" His honey colored eyes implored her for an answer as she stood there stunned. She pulled him to his feet, her mouth dry and unable to conjure the words he wanted to hear.

He immediately became flustered, his cheeks pink and his hand rubbed at his neck. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to pressure you. If you're not ready…"

She silenced him with a kiss. When she finally pulled away from his lips, tears streamed down her face. "Yes."

His face broke out into a huge grin and he scooped her up in his arms. When he put her down, he reached into his pocket for a small silver ring. "It's not much. But I don't want you to think this was spur of the moment either. I've been thinking about it for a long time, I just didn't have the courage until now."

He slipped the ring on her finger and she admired it in the candlelight. "It's beautiful."

"Would you be willing to tell my family?"

Fear suddenly gripped her gut. "What if they don't approve?"

"What do you mean? They adore you."

"But I'm not good enough for you and they will see that. I can't give you the family you deserve."

He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "You already said yes. There is no taking it back now," he said with a grin.

Solona nodded. "If you're sure."

"I've never been more sure in my life."

She grabbed his hand. "Then let's tell them."

The family reacted just as Cullen expected, with joy and much hugging. Finally Solona felt like she belonged.

# # # # #

"Tell us a story," the littles ones asked, gathering around her feet.

"I'm not much of a storyteller really," she said, feeling her cheeks grow hot. She didn't do well with all the attention.

"Please?" asked a particularly sweet little girl with curly blond hair and amber eyes. _She looks like Cullen,_ Solona thought. That now familiar pang that she wouldn't be able to give Cullen a family came back. She looked over at him to see him smiling sweetly, eager for her story too.

"All right. Let's see." She thought for a minute. "Once upon a time there lived a princess in a tower. The tower was her home and in it was a brave knight whose sole purpose was to protect her from danger. One day, the princess left the tower to see the world. However she had to leave her knight behind."

"Why?"

"Because he had other charges to look after and this brave knight was honorable. The princess loved seeing the world but she got lonely for home…"

"And her knight?" asked Mia. Even the adults were listening to her story.

"Yes. So she returned only to find out that a bad man had taken over the tower and had hurt her friends and family. He had taken her brave knight and thrown him into a magical cell. You see the bad man wanted to twist the brave knight into a monster like he was but the knight was far too strong to give in to the bad man and so he locked him away in order to break him." She risked a glance at Cullen, unsure of how her tale was affecting him. He looked a bit troubled but when she caught his gaze he gave her a small smile.

"What happened then?"

"The princess fought the bad man and defeated him, freeing her brave knight and rescuing the tower from evil."

"Did the princess and the knight live happily ever after?"

Solona looked at Cullen. "Yes. Yes they did."


End file.
